Notes from the brink

Ok so here we are. What feels like decision time. The point at which I MUST become pregnant if we are to have a set of siblings around two years apart. And really? It's not technically a high-pressure situation. This is AMERICA after all, and if we decide to wait a few more months, a year, however long we want, it's our CHOICE. And yet I feel this pressure ... and I know I am totally putting it on myself. All around me I see siblings who are 18 months apart. My SIL is going to have their second (A GIRL! WE ARE SO EXCITED!) this March, which will put their kids almost exactly two years apart.

And frankly? I have no idea what to do.

Straight up, I'm afraid of getting pregnant again. I'm afraid of the physical taxation. My pregnancy with Syd was no cakewalk (that being said? I made a lot of mistakes that I refuse to make the next time around). I'm afraid of morning sickness. I'm afraid of weighing 204 pounds again. I'm afraid of how it will restrict me when it comes to playing with, holding, and being a mom to Syd. For instance? I love carrying Syd around with me in the Ergo carrier everywhere we go. If I have a big baby bump and a terrible lower back due to pregnancy? Can't do that.

I'm afraid of the shock my firstborn would receive at two years old of having to deal with a younger brother or sister ... a new baby. I'm afraid of the cuddles and one-on-one time she would have to give up. 

Having two kids seems really hard. Like intimidating and IMPOSSIBLE. And my husband works A LOT and at odd hours sometimes.

We want more than two kids (which makes NO SENSE since I'm totally intimidated by having TWO) so I don't want a huge age difference between the oldest and youngest children if we can help it. Also? Don't want to be pregnant into my 40s. NO WAY.

My husband is 34. I want him to be ALIVE when our kids are getting married and having children of their own.

I want my daughter to have a playmate, a companion, someone to share experiences with. She loves to be with other kids, and I wonder sometimes if she gets lonely for the company of someone closer to her age.

I love how our extended family responds to our children. It is just wonderful to have Mom become "Nana," Ashley become "Auntie Ash," Momma and Pop become "Grandpa and Gramma," Jonathan and Candice become "Auntie Caci and Uncle Jono." I love this evolution of our family. I love birthdays and the holidays with our children, all of us together in a circle watching them play and discover new things.

I love my husband as a father. I love how he loves on and cares for our daughter. Also? He takes amazing care of me when I'm pregnant. It's great. Nay, IT'S THE GREATEST!

There is always the possibility of miscarriage lingering in the back of my mind. I'm afraid that if we don't start trying soon that we'll start too late, lose a baby, then have to start all over again.

The point to all of this is that I know that if I was to get pregnant soon that we'd be all right. There would be major challenges to being pregnant and then to having two little kids, but there would be amazing payoffs too. I know that we have time to decide, and yet part of me just wants to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. I guess one problem for me is that I know all about the worst-case scenarios. I know the heartbreak of loss, of making plans and allowing yourself hope only to have it all dashed in a blink.

But that is the risk of this journey, I suppose. When you start a family there is inherent risk. You are risking that you will outlive your children, God forbid. You are risking enduring their sicknesses, having to make tough decisions, a multitude of painful things. At some point you just have to trust in something greater. At some point you have to decide if the risk is greater than the benefit.

Let me just say that to me the benefit is great. It is immeasurable. I cannot describe to you how having a child shows you the face of God. How it offers you a little glimpse into what eternity must be like. To understand what sacrifice means. To know how your parents once felt about you. It is an awe-inspiring thing. And perhaps it is what drives us to try again, tempted as we are to bow the knee to the things that terrify us about it.

I do not know what the future holds for us. But I know that I have been given a tremendous gift. I have a husband who is worthy of forging ahead with, a partner and best friend who is with me no matter what happens. Who would kill or die for us, do anything to protect us. We have our Syd, who is such an amazing daughter and will one day be such an awesome big sister.

I know that God will put our other children in our way one day soon, whether they grow in my body or they are born to someone else. I am thankful for them already. I am praying for them now.

Comments

[Elsha]

We never did any preventing after Kalena so after I quit nursing her (at 4 months) I spent several months in freak-out mode, simultaneously hoping for and hoping against a pregnancy. After awhile though I realized it would happen when it happened and whenever that was it would be okay.

This one took considerably longer than Kalena (she was a first month girl) and I worried quite a bit about having another miscarriage (had one just before Kalena) but so far it's been great. I do still have the "holy hell, what were we thinking?!" moments, but I'm sure once he's here I'll adjust. I think just like having a first baby, you learn to live a whole new "normal."

Good luck whatever you decide!

[Rachel]

As far as the actual pregnancy, this one has been completely different: very little heartburn, still sleeping 9 hours at night w/o a bathroom break, no low back pain.

Despite the enormous belly I can still cart LG around and cuddle him just fine. I will say that between 18 months and now he has been having lots of tantrums which made me wonder if I was crazy having 2 kids so close together, however, he does seem to finally be outgrowing it.

It's a tough decision to make, but keep praying about it and you'll figure out what is right for your family.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

Good luck, girl...it'll all turn out exactly as it should.xoxo

[Kara]

Don't want to bombard you with my thoughts, but here is one:

I wept the first week after Amy was born because i loved her, but I missed Natalie. I missed the time I was able to invest in her. I felt that I was cheating her out of time with me. A friend/mentor of mine with 4 kids told me that Amy and Natalie will have no memory of that time...that each child is born into a different family. I tried to hold onto that as I figured out raising two...and now three! And as you know...my girls are the best of friends and a tremendous blessing. It IS hard to think of having another little one to love...and there will be a sense of "loss" with Syd when you have another child...but the gain is so much better.

It is such a gift to watch my kids interact with and love on each other. Aren't you so thankful you aren't an only child?

Also, let's face it. God knows what is best...and He has a plan for your family already in place. I'll be praying for you.

[Courtney]

God does know what is best and we have to trust in Him! Coming from having 2 less than 14 mos apart..it is doable and just fine. Chase loves his "baby" and whenever I feel like I am not spending enough time with one or the other I think back on my childhood...I had 3 younger brothers and really don't remember much before my 5th b-day. I just know that I was loved!!

[Lily]

I hear ya, girlfriend, and I feel for you.

[Lizzie]

Well, all I know is that we have to be pregnant at the same time again so that we can talk each other off our respective ledges every day. And so that when we're FINALLY neighbors (my ultimate plan to have you all to myself mwah-hah-ha), Lu and Syd will be besties and so will our seconds. Love you, Darlin! xo

[four poster beds sale]

I figured out raising two...and now three! And as you know...my girls are the best of friends and a tremendous blessing.

[Kristie]

I just love this post, Manda. It's so hard to be a parent and I imagine even harder to choose to be a parent again to another child. It sounds like you have an amazing support system that will be with you every step of the way. Lots of luck and love to you and your family while you make these choices.

[Caroline]

Such an encouragement on how open and honest you are about forging ahead. Yes, it was difficult mothering one while preggars with another. I learned that God provides exactly what you need when you need it.

[Megan]

My children are 3 years apart, and that has been a great age gap so far. My oldest was potty trained, she follows commands and helps me with her younger sibling, and I can trust her to not harm him if left in the same room briefly. Also, it took us awhile to conceive the 2nd time, more distractions and less time to 'try'. I would say go the 'no big hurry' route. Don't prevent, but don't try too hard either. Good luck on the BIG decision!

[morgan s.]

I was definitely sad at how having Baby #2 impacted my time with Baby #1. And now, sometimes I am sad at how Baby #1 impacts my time with Baby #2!!! I feel like those momentary yearnings for having only child and not having to divide your attention are selfish feelings, since both babies are getting a HUGE gift in each other. It is a complicated emotional package, but most of the time I just enjoy having TWO little lovebugs to raise!

[Mountain Momma]

My advice to you - whatever you do will be right, and you will adjust, and everything will be fine. Kids are very resillient. If they are 2 or 3 years apart, it doesn't matter - whatever's right for you. I'd say go for 2.5 years apart. So only one will be in diapers.