inside dog: Things you learn when you're sick

(Consider yourself warned: If you don't want to read about barf, then don't read this post.)

If you follow me on Twitter you know that last Thursday night began a barf-fest at our house that lasted through Monday. Sydney was the first to get hit. She never had the stomach flu before, and well, she took it on like she does everything else ... SHE WENT BIG. She starting fussing in her crib a few hours after bedtime because she didn't feel well, I went in to comfort and rock her and about five minutes later I was covered head to toe in vomit. And we're not talking cute wittle baby spitup, peeps. My daughter? Upchucks like a FRAT BOY.

Let me take this moment to tell you that before we ever had children John and I sat down and had a long talk about who would be in charge of the poop disasters and who would be in charge of the puke disasters. We decided to call one team (creatively!) Team Poop, and the other Team Throwup. Because I have the worst gag reflex ever, cannot handle barf AT ALL, it was unanimously decided that John was Team Throwup. He almost got stuck with Team Poop too but I was a newlywed and still had a conscience. Oh well.

So anyway. Team Poop gets hit with barf in the glider. And Team Poop PANICS and starts screaming Team Throwup's name. And Team Throwup arrives on the gruesome scene and is frozen in the horror of it all. And then runs to the kitchen for paper towels and back to the room and back to the kitchen again for a bucket, a bowl any receptacle really in a flailing scene that would give Charlie Chaplin a run for his money. And what do you do in a situation like this? Where exactly do you start? Sydney for the most part was totally untouched. We stripped her out of her pajamas and let her toddle happily around her room, singsonging her way through "Old MacDonald" and the theme from Elmo's World as if nothing ever happened. I - er - Team Poop trudged down the hallway like Swamp Thing and threw myself into the shower while wearing all my clothes while Team Throwup got to the task at hand. What else can be done? The night was long, eventually the sickness waned, we cleaned and scrubbed and Lysol-ed and ran the washing machine and Syd finally went back to sleep. She was droopy for a few days, more willing to cuddle and be loved on, and then went back to her old chipper self. She was a doll; a champ; a rockstar.We thought that we were in the clear. HA-FREAKING-HA (like the subtle foreshadowing?).

At three am on Sunday morning my turn came. And I didn't ride out the sickness with any such grace. Thus leads me to the following list of ten wonderful things you can learn while you're sick:

1. Sitting on the toilet and simultaneously throwing up in a trash can is one of the things you will do in Hell should you have the misfortune of going there. Bet on it.

2. You never realize how dirty your bathroom floor is until you are faceplanted on it in a cold sweat.

3. The toilet should have been scrubbed yesterday.

4. It really, really hurts to throw up rice.

5. You will never, ever eat curry again. And it's a shame, really, because you and curry were just getting to like each other.

6. Your husband makes the most wonderful crushed ice ever in history. It should go on his resume as his "signature dish."

7. Watered down apple juice is the nectar of heaven.

8. Hanging a television on the wall in your bedroom was the best idea EVER!

9. One washing machine is just not enough.

10. Losing six pounds in two days is not satisfying at all. It's frightening.

I'm getting better. The throwing up really only lasted 12 hours, but I was in bed until yesterday late morning. Last night I came down with - what else? - a killer cold. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking back to my bed to work on these body aches, a stuffy nose, and a killer headache (but I won't be composing a list this time, I've learned quite enough thank you).