Santa Claws

There is something potentially very divisive that I need to discuss here today. This might be a turning point in our relationship. Some of you might delete my blog from your feed reader after this.

We might not do the Santa Claus thing. As in, we might not let our kids believe that Santa is, uh, real.

Now WAIT! Before you go up to the corner of this window and click "x" out of pure disgust, hear me out! This might be interesting!

First of all, I don't have anything against Santa per se. I like the idea of Santa. I enjoyed Santa as a child ... well, aside from those few traumatizing times when as a 4- and 5-year-old Santa freaked me the freak out. And instead of sitting on his lap with my cooperative younger sister I chose to hang on the back of my mom's pants screaming bloody murder in the mall. On the other hand I LOVED the whole process of leaving Santa a letter and some cookies and milk and the crazeball excitement of lying awake in bed all night long listening with every fiber of my being for sleigh bells and reindeer paws. I could write a letter to Santa like nobody's business. My ears were finely tuned machines for detecting sleigh bells ... and once? To my parents' great joy and delight? I actually convinced myself that I heard them and dove into my bed at 8 pm on Christmas night and did not move a muscle until 6 am the next morning (even though I'm pretty sure I was awake ALL NIGHT LONG).

But even after I knew Santa wasn't real? Christmas eve still made my heart sing with anticipation. For a few years I lovingly kept up the jig in honor of my younger sister's innocence, and then came the year that buried under the quilts of our childhood bed we whispered to one another that we knew the truth ... should we tell our parents (who we were sure would be heartbroken) that we knew? I loved the traditions: We always ate a dinner of fancy appetizers ... shrimp cocktail and fancy cheeses and crackers and veggies and dip; read the Christmas story from the Bible as a family in front of the fire; went to the candlelight service at church at 11 and sang songs about a newborn savior together in the dark, our faces lit only by a warm flame; my sister and I - even as teenagers who knew the secret - still left "Santa" a note and a plate. We knew that the Santa who visited our house after we went to bed at night and set out special things for us (and yes! filled our stockings!) was our parents. We knew that they were the ones who would eat our specially decorated cookies. But there was just something fun and special about the process that we didn't want to let go.

As an adult there are things that I love about Christmas and things I, well, don't love. We've had our Christmas tree up for weeks ... it was up even before Thanksgiving! I love the festivities. I love seeing Christmas lights on my neighbors' homes (even though I haven't gotten around to mine quite yet, oops). I love Christmas movies and egg nog and getting out the Christmas mugs and trimming the house. I love Christmas music on Pandora all day long and designing our Christmas card and picking out Christmas wrapping paper ... I LOVE CHRISTMAS! However, on Black Friday? There was no way come Hell or high water you would have caught me dead in a store. As I checked my Facebook and twitter accounts that night I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the people who were updating to let me know that they were spending their Thanksgiving evening SHOPPING! Dudes. I'm sorry. But Thanksgiving night is for eating a second helping of pie and passing out on the couch while you watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special. And that goes double for the following day. Beer me a nap on Black Friday, ok?

ANYWAY. What I mean to say is that the older I get the more the commercialism of Christmas disgusts me (and I know that EVERYONE says this). I love giving and receiving gifts, do not misunderstand me. I love taking special shopping trips to find the perfect thing for my loved ones. But it really bothers me that there are marketing groups that target children. That there are entire advertising departments devoted to getting kids to hustle their parents into getting them stuff until we break under the pressure. This is one of the reasons that we do not have cable television! I know! Shocking! We are striving to keep advertising out of our childrens' heads as long as humanly possible! And so when I see the Christmas displays going up at stores around Halloween, totally pushing me to get on the ball and spend all I can on Christmas, I buck.

But this is not here or there. We are, after all, talking about The Man In Red.

Here's the thing: My husband and I feel a deep conviction about being as honest as possible with our children. Right now we have a two-year-old and a two-month-old so YES we are naive about such things NO NEED TO BURST OUR BUBBLE JUST YET.

And so there comes this whole quandary about what to say when they one day ask us direct questions. Santa Claus seems like a harmless enough thing (and truly, in many ways it is. I don't think I'm particularly scarred because I once believed in something that I later learned wasn't "true"). But for both of us it just doesn't make sense to look into our children's faces and lie to them ... even if it's just for fun, even if just for tradition's sake.

But you should have seen the CLAWS come out when I was at mommy & me class one week and I broached the subject that Santa might not be a part of our family's holiday celebrations. Before I could mention that we were still exchanging gifts and filling stockings and doing all the usual Christmas celebrating, a few other mothers expressed with concern that they couldn't believe that we were depriving our children of such a wonderful part of childhood! Before I could tell them that our children will, yes, know who Santa is. And we will try to keep our kids from spoiling the charade for their kids. (And as an aside, the two Jewish mothers in the class were the ones who totally piped up in my defense - knowing that I'm a Christian - and kinda drove the point home that Santa isn't an absolutely necessary part of the holiday season. They don't even celebrate Christmas and their hand is forced ... they HAVE to explain the whole Santa thing to their kids and these two women chose to be honest with their children about it being a "Christmas tradition that they do not celebrate in their home." Can I just say that I think that's awesome times a bazillion?)

But, yes, something in us is prompting us to tell our children that when they see a man dressed up in a red suit and a white beard that he is just that: A man dressed up in a red suit and a white beard. That Santa is a mythology, a wonderful story about charity and compassion that began a beautiful family tradition of filling stockings that are hung by the chimney with care and placing presents under the trees of those who are well-deserving. And, yes, we are the type of people who plan to totally segue that explanation into the telling of the other story of Christmas. The one where a baby was born, the infinite entered the finite, and the world was forever changed.

This is the story that we hope our children will remember, cling to, and hope for with anticipation.

And so here is my argument: That there is wonder and joy in the process. In the tradition. I remember still being excited for Christmas morning as a teenager who knew that Santa wasn't real (and I mean that in a literal way ... I would lie awake in my bed for hours on Christmas eve night because I was SO EXCITED). The things that are dear to my heart are the times on Christmas eve that we spent as a family, not the recollection I have of believing in Santa. Our kids will experience the traditions. Their stockings will be chock full come Christmas morning. They will have presents to tear into, they can read Christmas stories about Santa, they can watch Dora and Barney and Sesame Street and Charlie Brown Christmas specials to their hearts content. They can make Christmas lists and leave Christmas cookies by their stockings, the whole shebang.

But on Christmas eve we will light a candle and read the Christmas story from the Bible. We will stop and remember the not-so-silent (have any of you been in labor with no drugs?!) holy night when a very real God put on human skin and began a life among us as a tiny, helpless baby.

The best part about that story? It is no mythology. There is no "coming of age" when we have to find out - to our dismay - that it was all a lie. There is no disappointment when we peek out under our bedroom doors to see that the feet scurrying about the Christmas tree in the wee hours is, in fact, mom and dad. We can say to our children, "There was a man who lived ..." And it's the God's honest truth.

I can get behind that.

Comments

[larmar]

Love this Manda. I've been wondering the exact same thing this season... what to do about Santa. I love having him around as a tradition, but even now I keep telling the kids that when we get to the number 25 on our advent calendar, we get to celebrate Jesus' birthday. None of their presents last year were from Santa. And I don't think any will be this year. Who knows what i will do when they start asking direct questions though.

[Jenny]

I can really empathize with this post. Ali is on the verge of understanding and asking a lot more Santa questions now. It's not that we want to take Santa away -- we just don't want that to be the focus. So for now, and hopefully she won't question it for a looong time, is that we celebrate Christmas b/c it's Jesus's birthday. And Jesus loves us SOOO much that He gives US gifts on His birthday. Santa is his helper to pass out gifts since it's such a big job. She's totally content with this explanation -- at least for the time being. We've also had preemptive talks about not being greedy; watching "Madame Blueberry" Veggie Tales about thankfulness; etc and I think it's sticking. The other day I was showing Jeff some picture frames I was interested in and she said, "Mommy. You shouldn't be greedy. You need to be thankful for what you have." That's my baby girl!

[Emily]

This issue gets to be more of one as kids today grow up in a society where STUFF STUFF STUFF is the focus of EVERYTHING, don't you think?

We are doing Santa this year. Dave and I both grew up "believing" in Santa blah blah blah and I know it's MY FAMILY and all but I don't think my parents/in-laws would go along with us if we DIDN'T have Santa. I don't want to fight about it. But Santa is only bringing ONE PRESENT. That's it. He's not responsible for anything but ONE PRESENT and whenever we talk about Dec. 25, we make sure we mention that it is Jesus's birthday, NOT the day we open presents/Santa comes.

I, too, though, have thought about how it's essentially lying to my kids. But I remember loving Santa too, and not being DEVASTATED when I found out the truth (if it had scarred me in any way, I would rethink our current decision), and I think I like the idea of doing it with my kids.

My good friend wrote a REALLY great post about why she's not doing Santa, I think you'd love it:
http://www.donotdepart.com/2010/12/do-not-depart-christmas-part-4-st-nick.html

[Caroline]

I have a dear friend doing the same thing. For the same reason as you. I have thought a lot about it being a Christian. I want to be honest with my kids as well. My fear would be ruining it for another child and family. What would you tell your child to say to another lie? A vicious cycle. In my family, we emphasize Jesus. And at 4 1/2 years Elizabeth says very little about Santa. Being a parent is hard especially today when communication is so key especially honest communication. Keep us updated as you pioneer this path. Merry Christmas Amanda!!

[A'Dell]

My favorite line in this post is:

"Beer me a nap on Black Friday."

I loved Santa and I remember not being all that upset when I figured out it was really my parents. So, we will do Santa and he will bring one gift and that will be it. Fun, but low-key. I would rather her connect gifts to actual people anyway.

But on the extreme other hand, we are not very religious - neither of us were raised in church-going households and I am uncomfortable with the very opposite part: explaining Jesus and Mary and the like when I don't seem to (forgive the cliche) practice what I preach. Now, that's totally my OWN deal that I'm putting on her, which I feel weird/guilty about also for a variety of reasons, but mostly I am just putting the issue aside until next year.

Basically, I am copping out and hiding behind a pile of sugar cookies.

This is another thing people don't tell you about being a parent: You Will Have To Decide About Santa.

xo

[Rian]

We don't do santa in our house. Kai is only 2 so he doesn't even know who santa is. We really want Christmas to be ALL about Jesus and what he did for us. We do plan to teach Kai about the true St. Nicholas. There is even a veggie tale movie about it.

I have worried a lot about him being the one to spoil it for other kids. We will just tell him that even though we don't believe it there are other kids who do and we don't want to ruin it for them. Hopefully he will be able to keep quiet.

As for our family, my mom is on board with it. My husbands parents are another issue. But he is our son and we get to make these decisions so they are just going to have to be ok with it. I really don't think that we are stealing anything from his childhood by not believing in santa. I actually think the holiday will be more magical by focusing truly on Jesus and his birth and life.

[Gregory]

This is such a weird thought to have when you don't yet have children. But certainly interesting enough to ponder before hand. Of course its not a solo decision, but being prepared to have a discussion never hurt anyone.

I figure if you are trying to be a good parent/s you will have to tell a lie to your kids at some point in time, even if its a lie of omission. I don't mean to sound pessimistic but I believe in God and that EVERYTHING works out for His good.

Now I'm not saying anyone should just make up lavish stories about any holiday just to add excitement that (sooner or later) become lavish disappointments. I'm going to be bold and say that the Christmas story in many ways doesn't represent the 'whole truth and nothing but the truth' but it is for sure about something true.

What about the whole St. Nick story, about the secret-gift giving and leaving coins in shoes. That story certainly has a true person in it who did some loving things in the name of Jesus. It can at least be a historical truth of some kind from where 'Santa Clause' came from. Just an idea.

[Lynne]

A very thought-provoking post! Probably one of my favorites...and with your writing, this just adds to a list-as-long-as-my-arm of favorites! "Beer me a nap" is the best line EVER. You have truly made me reflect on the Santa issue and helped me think about if we will do this or not in our family. Thank you for "going there", for being honest, and for pointing me toward Jesus. Well done.

[Brandysjourney.blogspot.com]

I am very torn on the Santa issue, for a lot of the reasons you addressed here. We definitely are NOT going to emphasize Santa, although we do talk about him when we see him at the mall. We are NOT the parents that put our screeching children on his lap though. Who really wants that picture for years to come?? Anyway, we are already telling our kiddos (almost 4 and just turned 2) about Jesus and the reason for Christmas. I have no idea what we will do about Santa in the coming years because I do remember the magic and fun of it all, but I also know we don't talk about the "Easter Bunny" in our house either. So we may keep up the charade as a general thing, so as to not ruin it for other children but there's a good chance we won't be leaving out cookies and only one gift will be from Mr. Claus.

[Robin]

We never did santa at my house growing up (five kids in a close-knit household), and the season was JUST as magic and fantastic as it should be. The true story of Christmas took precedence. We knew about santa, we read books, etc., but he was just a character in a book. I don't remember any conflicts with "revealing the truth" to other kids, either. So it absolutely can be done! I plan to do the same with my kids.

[Holly]

I read this the other day and it really got me thinking about this exact issue: http://offbeatmama.com/2010/12/truth-about-santa

(Don't ask why I read about parenting when we don't even have kids yet. I'm nutty that way.)

Anyway, I am all for being honest with my kids. It seems hard to imagine lying to them on purpose. I know my parents struggled with this as well because they always told the story of me being very young and sitting my them down interrogation style after hearing that Santa wasn't real and saying "You always tell me to tell the truth, right? So tell me, is Santa real?" I think I was like 6 and they were sure I was going to grow up and be a lawyer. But in the end they told me the truth, and they also told me that I had to respect the decision of other families to not tell their children. I remember feeling like I was in on a big secret and it was kind of cool for a kid. As an adult it is partially this issue of excess that I want to rebel against, and partly that I want to make sure I'm always honest with my kids. It's a tough one.

ANYWAY -- sorry for the novel! Just wanted to say, I get it. It's a big decision. :)

[Michelle]

I applaud your choice and think that it is wonderful. Santa will be a part of our family because we think it's a fun tradition to pass on to our son (and any future kids that may come). Santa brings a couple small gifts and mom and dad provide the rest. Growing up, I had a friend whose family didn't do anything Santa related. She always spoke of Santa like a character (like Mickey Mouse). It never seemed odd to me...she got presents just like the rest of us. But, I also had a Jewish best friend who didn't celebrate Christmas at all (I was seriously jealous of that eight days of presents stuff!!) so I was familiar with the different ways families celebrated.

I am wondering how you will handle other things...like the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny? Will you not do those in your house as well?

I think that each family has to do what they feel is best for their children and that other parents and outsiders shouldn't judge anyone! I wouldn't want anyone to judge me for letting my kid watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for two hours yesterday because it was the only thing that calmed him down (those two year molars are nothing to mess around with)!!

More power to you Manda!!

[Nell]

You are in good company on this one-at least that is how I feel about it.
I don't ever recall a time when I believed in Santa - or more accurately a time when I realized he wasn't real. He was simply a fantastic character. We received (and still do) a gift or so from Santa but there wasn't any question the gifts were purchased by my parents/aunts/uncles,etc with their own hard earned money. There also wasn't any question about the reason we give the gifts: in the following of a tradition the Wise Men started long long ago.
I don't feel at all bad that I've been very frank with my daughter right from the get go about Santa. I also find the Santa thing vaugely creepy. We raise our kids to be cautious of strangers but once a year we expect them to not only talk to a perfect stranger but to SIT ON THEIR LAP and tell them "secrets". Hmmmm, no mixed messages there huh? Not to mention the guy is breaking and entering on Christmas Eve -another whole issue there though ...right?
Anyway, I don't think anyone has any right to criticize in this matter. Christmas is so much more than some fat guy in a red suit.

[J.]

We've gone back and forth--hubby and I both grew up with it, but we're leaning toward not doing it with our kids (who were too young last year for us to have to make a decision).

My trouble is this: Here's a guy who, essentially, shares traits with God: all-seeing, all-knowing, miraculous, gracious, loving, etc. Kids believe in him for a few years. We eventually tell them that Santa is not real, but God, with his omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence, is still real.

We might get our kids a random gift from santa, but it won't be the biggest gift. And more importantly, all discipline in the month of December will not be based on the "Santa is watching--be good" approach to parenting.

[Maggie]

This is So! Interesting! I honestly have given zero thought to Santa. We didn't do Santa in my family... I mean, we knew who he was and my parents never told us he was just a story, but we didn't get presents from Santa. Supposedly Santa filled our stockings on Christmas morning, but I don't ever remember believing anyone else filled our stockings besides my mom. And sometimes my uncle would dress up like Santa on Christmas Eve (when my family opens gifts) but we ALWAYS knew it was my uncle. So I guess I was just going to do my family's time honored tradition of Not Talking About Things! Way to go me!

My kids don't get gifts from Santa, but I do point Santa out in the mall (they won't go near him) or in stories and we sing all the Santa songs. So I guess that is just as much as we'll do. I suppose this entire comment could be summed up by the word LAZY.

[Aunt Becky]

Reading the Bible and telling the true story of the Savior's birth and keeping Jesus the reason for the season is wonderful and most important. The magic of Santa is fun for kids but I also like the idea of just explaining to them the story of the real St. Nick. I think all kids just love family and the traditions that each individual family follows every year though. I know I'm 40 now and still don't like any change to the family Christmas traditions. Definitely being thankful for everything we already have and not killing yourself, feeling guilty if you can't or putting yourself in extreme debt to get your child (or spouse) a toy or something marketing/commercials told them they had to have is a wonderful thing. Some of us oddly do like the tradition of Black Friday shopping too though, I started at 4 a.m.:) I love the discipline not being based on Santa. I work at a grocery store and you would not believe how many times I have heard "Santa won't bring you this or that if you are bad and you better straighten up or Santa won't bring you anything".

[melody a. huddle]

Sydney and Elijah are very fortunate to have wonderful parent, that have true convictions. I loved Santa as a child and the fantasy of wondering what Santa would bring me. I was 10 years old when I saw my daddy running out the kitchen door, ringing the doorbell and trying to get back into the front door, before I reached the back door. I realized that my parents gave me my new bike. I was surprised but over joyed. I will always love the story of Saint Nichols and how he loved children. One of my favorite Christmas Nativity Scenes I have, is the one santa is kneeling, with his stocking hat off, giving PRAISE TO THE BABY JESUS. The magic of Christmas is the wonder that a baby would come to this world for me. NOTHING IS MORE MAGNIFICENT, THAN TO KNOW THE LOVE OF JESUS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I love you children and are very proud of your decisions. Love momma and grandma

[Home Sweet Sarah]

I totally 100% agree with you on the Santa Claus issue and am proud of my fellow Jewish ladies for represntin' you!

I was raised Jewish, so therefor knew Santy Claus wasn't real, but even Chris was raised in the way you're speaking of. He knew OF SC, but knew the big man wasn't real.

What he represents is way more important, plus, yes, then there's no lying to your kid and having to deal with the after-effects of your lie later.

[seekingclarav]

I was raised in a Christian family. As a child, Christmas Eve was not about gifts. We couldn't even make mention of opening presents. It was about Baby Jesus. We gathered by candle light and filled the manger as my father read the story of Mary & Joseph. We sang songs from the song book, not Jingle Bells & White Christmas, real religious songs. That tradition is the best and biggest gift my parents gave us and it still happens every year, at my sister's home for those that are close by. Even in adulthood, as an agnostic, I find it to be most beautiful.

Now Santa. A creepy old dude in a costume, was never for me. I knew really early on that it was a load of crap cause I recognized my mom's distinctive european handwriting on the gift tags. "From Santa." Right.

My daughter is terrified of Santas and I'm not about to force her to sit on some old dudes lap against her will. Seems child abusy. So I honestly haven't given this whole deal much thought.

And holy consumerism! Our daughter is so overwhelmed by new toys that last year we had to stagger her presents throughout the day, for everyones sanity. I think I'll totally stress about this in a year or two. Or not and just tell her the truth. Either way, I think she'll still get into Christmas.

[Elsha]

I'm still not sure where I stand on this one. My family did Santa growing up, but I don't ever remember believing. I was talking to my mom about that recently she told me that she remembers me coming to her when I was about 3 and telling her that I knew Santa wasn't real but that I would play along because that was more fun. THREE. And it was fun to have all the gifts suddenly under the tree Christmas morning, but it didn't matter who put them there. My family always focused on the religious aspect of Christmas, which is maybe why I knew better even that young? Anyway, my own experience sort of makes me think we can have "Santa" without actually lying or the disappointment after learning he isn't real. I will definitely NOT be going out of my way to convince my kids that he is real. I guess I'll see how things pan out as they get older.

[Rachel]

My husband and I haven't decided what we are doing yet. We have to decide this year, our son is 3 and asking questions! We haven't said a word about Santa to this point, but he hears about him from other people.

He does know that Christmas is Jesus birthday and that Jesus grew up into a man who taught us about God.

We do know that even if Santa visits, he will only fill stockings. Also our kids will only be receiving 1-2 presents, not a pile under the tree.