Lately I am having some trouble finding quiet space. I have two small children ... so NO DUH my house is just always ALIVE with NOISE! My husband has a home office (and really this should say Garage Office as he has been swept right out the door) and he is in and out all day. We have a college student friend staying with us. I have been trying to keep the television off but sometimes? I just don't have it in me to pick up all the metric ton of dog poop in the back yard so we can play out there, or sit at the table and come up with interesting things for my busy, busy 4-year-old to do that don't destroy anything. Sometimes it is just so nice to sit there like bumps on the couch, zombied out while I dork around on my phone or drink my coffee.
I think the word I'm probably searching for is "peace"?
So yesterday, while Syd was at school on her long day - on Wednesdays she eats lunch at school and afterwards gets to go to Cooking Class! Her favorite day! - I kinda had the house to myself. When John came in I bored unfriendly holes through him until he left ... what a nice wife! When our college student tried to set himself up at the dining table to study I scurried him right out with the vacuum cleaner. Finally it was just me and Elijah! It was going to be awesome!
Or so I thought.
With the house finally empty, the dishwasher humming away, the floor vacuummed ... I just felt lost. I didn't feel quiet inside my head or my heart. I just felt discontented. I wandered around the house. I turned the television on for Elijah (who is happy to play with his trains and cars on the carpet for hours). I felt upset about how I'd evil-eyed John ... but let's face it I do that to him all the time. I felt gross about having the television on and how my son was just glazed over watching PBS.
There was no quiet. There was no peace. And I had no idea how to turn it around.
For weeks I've had this verse written on the blackboard: "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17. Isn't that a great verse? I have searched it and searched it and wondered WHEN and HOW I will be quieted. When will I find space that is my own?
The problem is that *I* do not rejoice over Him (or anyone) with "singing" these days. I am not finding joy in doing things that I feel like I'm called to do (raise my kids! Hello!). I keep waiting and waiting for God to just wrestle me down and quiet me and the problem is that I don't really WANT to be quieted, now do I? I don't want to invite that into my life. I want to control everything. I want everyone out of my way. I want my four-year-old to act like a ten-year-old and not be LOUD and need entertainment all the time and I definitely don't want her sneaking into the kitchen 45 times a day as she is in the habit of doing these days. I don't want my husband to walk in on me when I'm finally settling down at the computer to do something Very Important (like online shop for Christmas presents or write a blog entry), and I certainly don't want him to catch me laying down on the couch or zoning out next to the kids (who are watching television). I want to be a jerk in my own private space and have no one keep me accountable, dang it! I don't *want* to care for others and share my home and, like, be The Church. Because it's hard sometimes.
What a wimp.
So there you have it. I am searching. I am trying to get humble and stop being such a jerk all the time. I am trying to be thankful for all my many blessings. There are so many.