Reproductively speaking...

So now what do I say?

(I need to type this whole day out just to get it off my chest. Sorry if this post is long and full of TMI. There is, however, a lot of good news if you make it through the whole thing!!)

This morning I woke up to wet pants. I thought I'd peed myself.

When I stumbled into the bathroom (without my glasses) and sat down on the toilet I went to the bathroom and then heard a "plop" into the water. I was confused. When I wiped, there was blood. And the toilet was full of blood. My husband left the house this morning at 5 am. I stumbled back to my bedside table for my glasses and returned to the bathroom to try and make sense of what was happening. I wasn't "bleeding" per say ... there was only a bit of watery blood on the paper. When I got back to the bathroom I found a huge clot in the bottom of the toilet. I couldn't see it very well for the cloudy water so I took a deep breath, went to the closet for a coat hanger and to the kitchen for a plastic cup and fished it out. It was a tangerine-sized round ball of blood and mucus. 

(my daughter was crying for me from her bed the entire time this whole thing happened.)

This is when I started to cycle in and out of freaking out. I looked as closely as I could ... for a moment I honestly thought the baby had fallen out. Then I told myself that if the baby had fallen out there'd be a lot more blood and it would be a lot bigger. And that it would look like a baby. Hadn't our baby looked like a baby just last Friday on the ultrasound screen? Yes it had. Calm down, Manda. I told myself. Call the doctor.

It was just before 8 am so the doctor's office wasn't open yet. I left a message with the answering service and called my husband in hysterics. He told me he was coming home immediately. He would have stayed on the phone with me while he drove but I told him I needed to get our daughter out of bed because she was crying. While I was getting her out of her crib I accidentally left my phone in the bathroom (on silent, like an idiot) and missed the doctor's call. I brought her out to the breakfast table, got her started on a bowl of cereal, and called the answering service back. They put me on hold for ten minutes. It was probably the longest 10 minutes of my life. Then when she tried to connect me to the doctor, she hung up on me (let me die). A few seconds later she called me back and I spoke to the doctor, who told me that he wanted to see me before 10 am.

A neighbor came over to watch our daughter until my MIL could get there. My husband got home and we hopped in the car and made the 25 min trek across town in morning traffic. I took the clot with me in the plastic cup wrapped in a Target bag.

As soon as we got there Dr. G came in and got me on the table for an ultrasound. The baby, praise God, was alive and it was clear that the placenta had not ruptured. As soon as he had determined that there was no rupture he did a pelvic exam and brought out the speculum. He was trying to figure out what was going on with my cervix, I guess, and had to keep poking me with those long q-tips they use. It was very uncomfortable. He said that there was definitely blood coming out of my cervix and it was slightly open, and he wanted to send me over to Dr. T at the hospital (the same perinatologist who did our ultrasound last Fri) to get a better idea of what's going on. He mentioned that there was the possibility of a week of bed rest or a procedure to stitch my cervix closed. He said I definitely needed to be on "pelvic rest" (no intercourse or anything inserted, etc). I started crying on the table when I saw that the baby was ok and again after I was dressed and he was explaining that he wanted us to go to the hospital. He gave me a hug. He really is a wonderful doctor.

We went over to the hospital and had to wait about an hour to see Dr. T. He brought us in and did an external ultrasound while another doctor was looking over his shoulder (it seemed like he was teaching this doctor). He confirmed that my uterus and placenta and the baby all looked ok, and that there was no blood or rupture. I was given a mirror so I could see the screen. I had to catch my breath when I saw the profile shot of my baby and the heartbeat. Then he switched to a vaginal ultrasound to check my cervix. He immediately said that it looked ok, that it was elongated and looked how it should. He did say that I had a low-lying placenta. He is a man of few words, so he didn't elaborate too much. Dr. G is one of his colleagues and I'm sure he wanted to leave the major advice to him.

Then he asked if we had a boy or girl at home. We told him we had a girl. And then he asked if we knew the gender of this baby. To which we replied "no," because the baby had been jumping around too much last week to tell. We asked if he could tell the gender. He said yes! And then there was a long pause.

So I said: "Dr. T! You're keeping us in suspense! Is it a boy or girl?"

"I don't know yet! I need to look." And with that he busted the belly ultrasound wand back out. And moved it around.

Then he put it away, and started cleaning the gel off my stomach. He told me that he wanted to see me in four weeks, that I should be on pelvic rest until then, that I needed to rest today, etc.

"Uhm, Dr.T? Is it a boy or a girl?"

Another long pause.

"Well, maybe ... probably it's a boy." My husband and I looked at each other, puzzled.

"Oh, did you not get a good look? What exactly does that mean? How sure are you?"

"Well ... I'm about 98 percent sure. Here's an ultrasound photo with the penis circled."

*We both erupt in joyous laughter* I high five my husband and proclaim "I WAS RIGHT!"

We left the office on a cloud. We went straight to a doughnut shop and called our families to tell them to expect a nephew/grandson. It was so much fun!!

I rested this afternoon a bit and when I got up I took my daughter to Target to pick out a few things for her new baby brother (she picked a soft, blue blanket with striped satin trim) and get a lemonade and a cinnamon-sugar pretzel. While I was on the way there I called Dr. G to update him on what happened. He called back soon after and was very straight with me. He said that this is very unusual and he wants me to be very "quiet" this week and to be very careful. He said that if my placenta doesn't migrate north on its own, then we will have to "reassess." I talked to a friend who is a nurse practitioner on a L&D floor and she said that if a low-lying placenta doesn't migrate higher (a normal placenta naturally does this, apparently) then there is usually bed rest involved.

It brought me back down to earth a bit. We've still got a fight ahead of us.

Thank you for keeping updated on us. We just announced to everyone on planet earth that we're pregnant and now I'm not sure what to say or not say to the general population. I was planning a light-hearted post on the baby's stats. I was going to mention the progesterone and that there have been some ups and downs, but now I'm not sure we're fully out of the woods. Sigh. This is just a lot. It's been a long day. One day I think "YAY! We're finally going to get to enjoy this pregnancy! Bust out the chocolate syrup!" and then the next day it's all lying shattered around me. October seems like such a long time into the future.

So this week I am going to work on being a "bad mom." My daughter is going to watch a lot of Elmo videos, we're going to stay around the house in our pajamas, and I'm going to let Grandma and Daddy pick up the slack as much as they're willing to.

Thank you for your prayers for us. Our hope and prayer is that we get to meet our healthy baby boy in his due time. 

In support of her baby brother today. :)

And off we go!

The appointment went well this morning. Rocky is measuring "perfectly" for a baby at 14 weeks. Our chances of any genetic defects are slim to none. The Dr. even commented that I have "the eggs of a 15-year-old." I really didn't see much baby action ... the screen was up by my head (why on earth do they always do that? I was trying to crane my neck without moving too much to try and catch a glimpse! I saw nothing!). My husband had a great seat, however, and couldn't contain his excitement when he saw the baby moving around. He couldn't believe how long the legs were! How much movement! How big! The doctor tried to get a read on the gender for us, commented that we have a "very active" baby, and said that he couldn't tell just yet. He gave us an ultrasound photo but it's totally an action shot and isn't very focused. I guess we've got another wild one on the way (our daughter was wild in the womb and is just as wild outside it. Woo! I'll have my hands full!)

This afternoon I went to a track meet at the school and wore a tighter shirt where you could really see the bump and told the kids. They were freaking out they were so excited. It was pretty awesome. I plan on dropping the news on the public blog and Facebook sometime tomorrow or Sunday.

Right now I just feel relieved and exhausted and thankful. We haven't gotten much sleep around here the last few days because of stupid taxes and a constipation situation with our little buddy. It's about 9 pm and I'm about to shut this and go to bed. I wish I could express just how blessed we feel tonight. How we know that not everyone gets to do this. My last few months have been fraught with anxiety. But it has never been far from my mind that some couples aren't even lucky enough to conceive their own children without any help. Some people have to endure so much more before they can have babies. I am just so grateful for the medical care I've received, to have a loving man to raise my babies with, to be able to sleep in peace and comfort tonight as my little one bounces around in my womb. I am so thankful for the beautiful child we already do have, her wild and sweet personality, the gift it was to carry her in my body and to be a part of her life every day. I know not everyone gets that. I know that I am blessed.

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Well, the day I've been waiting for is finally here. Tomorrow is our big, detailed ultrasound. The time after which we have decided to begin talking openly about this pregnancy. If all goes well, we'll soon announce to everyone, including the internet, that we're expecting a baby.

It's crazy. In some ways I feel like the time has flown, but in others I feel like I've already been pregnant for an eternity. I feel myself loosening my grip on the anxiety that has plagued my mind for the last - it seems unbelievable to say this - almost 14 weeks. As of today I'm 13w4d pregnant. Tomorrow feels huge. Maybe because this is when during my first pregnancy (at 9 weeks) we found out that our baby had died. Maybe it's because it feels so official from the way our doctor and nurse talk about it. I don't know. There is still that small little whisper in the back of my mind saying that maybe tomorrow we'll get bad news. That even though I'm showing and experiencing pregnancy symptoms to the max that maybe that stuff is just mental or my body has yet to catch up to what's already happened. That the little voice will get to say "I told ya so" when I wondered if I should wait longer to get maternity clothes (even though I needed them) or I should hold back and not tell so many people yet. This is despite all the good things that have happened. This is in light of all the good reports we've had so far. It's madness.

I would also like to add that I had blood drawn last Friday and haven't heard from the nurse since! Which is a good sign! If there's a prob with my tests she always calls me ASAP, usually Tuesday at the least. I have to let that ease my mind a little bit. Also cookies are helping. My poison of choice are the crispy kakor chokladflarn thingies from IKEA. So good.

And in case you're wondering about my cookie reference, yes, I'm eating. Like a normal pregnant person. The last few days have been so wonderful! I ate an ENTIRE foot long veggie sub from Subway yesterday and experienced the feeling of "fullness" for the first time in literally months! It was worth the discomfort ... I ordered my sub with extra cheese, avocado and extra mayo. Heaven. I'm still tired and have a really hard time getting up in the morning if I stay up past 10 pm, but my symptoms have all but vanished. When I compare this phase of pregnancy to how I felt with Syd I think I feel so much better this time around! I haven't gained any weight yet ... holding at 168, which technically is about 15 pounds too heavy but OH WELL, but compared to where I was the last time around (I am pretty sure I was already close to 180) I'm doing much better. I need to be a good girl while I'm feeling good. Luckily I'm craving relatively healthy things. I know every pregnancy is different but I am starting to wonder if this is what it feels like to carry a boy. I have wondered about my progesterone level in that regard all along (such as, maybe my hormones are lower bc it's a male? I threw up plenty on my own without progesterone when I was pregnant with my girl). It'll be interesting to see if my theory is correct! But I'll have to wait another month for the gender ID. Even though I have already fantasized that somehow we could find out tomorrow. Impatient!

Our appointment is at 11:30 tomorrow. It's with another doctor, supposedly a specialist in ultrasounds and first trimester screenings (our doctor refers all his patients over there for this routine test). Apparently this guy is so popular and overbooked (he only works in this particular office 2 days a week) that we can expect to wait a 1-3 hours to be seen. Luckily Grandma and Grandpa are coming to sit with our girl so we won't have to have a babysitter on the clock and so we can be together, come what may. 

I am so ready to be past this hurdle, to move on to being just pregnant. Pregnant in general. Pregnant and open for discussion. Pray for us, as you are always so kind to do.

much love,

Manda

I feel better?

I am hesitant to jinx myself by writing this, but over the past few days I've started feeling better. I'm still on the progesterone, but just now for lunch I ate three pieces of frozen pizza followed by TWO Cadbury Creme Eggs. What the what?

According to my doctor I am to keep taking the medicine until tomorrow, when I will be 12w1d at the latest (technically I am calculating last Saturday as the day I hit 12w1d - that's using my due date but Dr. G wanted to be safe rather than sorry). I cannot wait until it's finally over. I am so thankful that I've had this medication to help keep me pregnant, but I am entirely done feeling like ass all the time. Little glimpses of that (like to today's lunch) help me think that maybe I'll be able to make it though this pregnancy with a toddler and my sanity intact.

In other news, I'm showing already. This is crazy.

Granted, I had just eaten three pieces of pizza here but I feel like I'm showing way earlier than I did with Syd. We are telling people that I'm pregnant. And some people really "haven't been surprised" and I'm sure it's because this gut is already getting hard to hide. My husband took me out and bought me three pairs of maternity pants this weekend because I can't button most of my jeans anymore, save two pairs. I scored a great pair at Old Navy yesterday for $8 and promptly ripped them across both thighs when I had to put my daughter in time out at Target today (it was a rough morning to say the least). I have moments when I am wandering through racks of maternity stuff and am so tired and annoyed that I have to re-buy all this stuff but immediately I remember how blessed we are to have another baby on the way, for what seems like for sure, and then I don't mind so much. But I will say that trying stuff on with a toddler in the dressing room who likes to open doors is Very Tiring.

We are not ready to release this info totally yet. I have a blood test this week and a big ultrasound next week (my first trimester screen) and after both of those we'll tell everyone, Facebook and internet included. Some of you know that I work with high school students and we want to wait to tell them until we've made it through the next few weeks. They will be so excited when they find out, I don't want them to be crushed if something bad happens.

Meanwhile, I have to find other things to say on my other blog or I'll lose my advertising. Any big ideas for what I can talk about until I can talk about Rocky? I am one of those weird people who has a hard time just blah-blahing about whatever if there's something big going on in the background. I certainly don't blog about Everything, but for whatever reason this pregnancy has just clammed me up big time (I blame progesterone for stealing my brain and turning me into a total useless zombie).

Brave new world

So today I made a bold move and called my doctor and asked for a heartbeat check. It's been more than two weeks since I've seen them, and it is still two weeks to my next ultrasound. Needless to say, after all the weekly checkups and check-ins, two weeks seems like a long time. I'm on the verge of being 12 weeks along and I just needed to know if my baby was still hanging in there.

Because my doctor is awesome, he not only thought a heartbeat check would be a good idea, he also worked me in TODAY at 4 pm. I got the call at 3, so I scrambled a bit trying to find a place to leave Syd and after thirty minutes with no luck I called the office and asked if it would be ok to bring her with me (John had a previous appointment and couldn't get out of it, but gave me the go-ahead to go in anyway). They of course said it was no problem (because they ARE AWESOME, how many times can I say it!!) and we made it with no probs, even got a decent parking spot which is usually a challenge.

When I got to the office it was empty save all the nurses, techs, and the receptionist. Nurse B met me at the door and said that Dr. G had a patient in labor and had been moving quickly that afternoon (he still worked me in! I LOVE HIM!) so he could get over the hospital. They wasted no time getting me set up on the table. Syd sat SO NICELY in her stroller and read a book and watched a podcast on my iPhone while Dr. G did a doppler test to find the heartbeat ... and couldn't find one. I could feel my insides churning and I tried to be still and keep calm so my heartbeat wouldn't block the baby's if it was there. He couldn't get it and went straight to the ultrasound.

Praise God, he turned that screen and showed me a well-developed, moving, beautiful, healthy baby. "Look! Your baby is waving at you!" he said. Sydney chirped "BABY!" (we have been learning about babies a lot lately ... and she just got a new baby cousin on Monday. "Baby" is the word on the street around here lately). It was such a huge relief. I can't believe how much growth and change you could see just two weeks later. I could see the baby's profile, its fingers, its limbs moving ... such a tremendous relief. It feels like a gift.

I called my husband and he was relieved he started to cry. We decided together to start letting the general public what's up.

So I guess it's finally official. I'm pregnant.

No news is good news

So sorry that I haven't had a chance to let you all know ... Rocky is ok!! I got my blood results back on Tuesday and they were good: 22.51. The extra suppository is working. Our ultrasound also went well, the baby measured at 9w3d, and that little heart is still chugging away. We are overjoyed and relieved! We're almost out of the woods! I'll try and share more details soon, this week has been crazy and I have family in town right now (we told my side of the family about the pregnancy after the good report from the doctor. They are really excited!).

The illusion of control

Today I got up feeling pretty good. Which totally has to be a bad sign. I woke up an hour after I went to sleep last night and had to pee so bad I thought I was going to die. I laid there in bed wondering what to do ... should I just try to coax it back down in order to save the progesterone supplement I'd inserted an hour before? After a few minutes debate, my body protested and won. I got up and went to the bathroom in the dark. And although I didn't have my glasses on and didn't have the heart to check anyway, I'm pretty sure I flushed my entire suppository down the drain.

The last few days, Tuesday and Wednesday especially, have been rough. Those two days I felt horrible (more horrible than usual). I had to call John about an hour after taking my second suppository and beg him to come home because my daughter woke up and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and was teetering on the edge of vomiting. I didn't end up throwing up but I went right back to bed when he got home. As weird as it is to say all of it was a little encouraging. But today? I feel ok. And in my mind this has to be bad. I feel like i"m fighting a losing battle. I fully expect bad news at the doctor next week. He was kind enough to offer us another ultrasound next Wednesday so that we have "peace of mind." I am glad we won't have to wait until the end of the month to find out what's going on.

I am so thankful that there has been an option available to help this pregnancy. Modern medicine is truly awesome. BUT. It seems like at every step of the way there has been some obstacle to remind me that I have no control over anything that happens or doesn't happen. I faithfully take my suppositories three times a day and lie down for a lot more than ten minutes when I take the daytime ones. They have helped me mentally feel like I can at least do something, but in the end I know in my heart of hearts that if this pregnancy is doomed to fail then it will. No progesterone supplement can fix that. And that really sucks. I want control. I want results. I want to know that what I'm doing is working. That there is some guarantee. But no one can give it to me. I hate it.

My family comes into town next Thursday. My sister is running the LA Marathon. We had originally planned to do it together but I backed out and fessed up to her that we hoped I would be pregnant by then. I wonder if I will? I have grappled hard with whether or not to tell my mom and sister about any of this. With the last miscarriage my mom basically told me she'd rather not know because she has never had a miscarriage and can't empathize. I'm not worried about protecting her ... if you can guess she's a rather tough old bird. It's more me. My family doesn't know how to deal with these losses, how to talk to me about it, what to do. It ends up being awkward and painful for me and I don't want to deal with it. I usually end up comforting THEM, rather than them comforting me. It's screwed up. But if I still have harsh symptoms and have to take my pills and lie down after, I'm not sure what I'll say. They will catch on ... we have a small house and it will be very crowded (my sister is bringing her boyfriend and another friend to cheer her on).

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next week. Monday: blood draw. Tuesday: blood test results. Wednesday: ultrasound.

A passage from the Bible written by Paul has really been speaking to me this week. It touches on how God can meet us in our brokenness. I really need that badly right now. I feel like a broken, disabled person a lot lately. Which is probably true. The good news is that this baby does have hope. It's just not in my hands.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This certainly doesn't mean that I didn't wish I knew what was around the corner, what the end result will be. It doesn't mean that I'm not desperate to know what my progesterone count is every second of the day. But I guess it does mean that it's ok for me to be broken. That God is greater than all of this. He loves me and he loves Rocky more than I ever could. I am searching for comfort in this. It is not to be found anywhere else.

Off to eat bread and cheese and lounge in my bed until the girl gets up from her nap. Thanks for your support and kindness to us. It really does mean the world to me.

No rest for the weary

The doctor's office just called. Nurse B told me that my blood tests from last week showed low progesterone levels again: 15.5. They want me to increase my suppository dose to three times a day and go in for another blood test on Monday. She was much less positive during this phone call. When I asked her what could cause this to happen she said it could just be a fluctuation ... but it could also mean that the pregnancy isn't going any further.

Depending on my blood test results on Tuesday, we'll find out when and if there will be another ultrasound before our next scheduled appointment. She gave me the impression that if my levels jump back up he would wait to see me. I'm probably getting ahead of myself. When I called my husband to break the news he reminded me that it's not over yet, that we still have a chance. He wasn't even on the phone with me and Nurse B but he was reviewing her words to me like he was there. I'm so glad I have him to comfort me. Stuff like this just totally threatens to put me over the edge.

After our amazing appointment last week I was starting to "trust" this pregnancy a little bit. I've been feeling horrible (my post yesterday was terribly whiny) and have been taking that as a good sign and a reminder that I'm still pregnant. But now I'm just thrust back into the old fear that the symptoms I'm experiencing are just a side effect of the drugs and have nothing to do with this baby's growth or health.

My pregnancy calculator puts me at 8 weeks, 5 days today. Just for posterity's sake.

A definition

I realize that I shouldn't complain about being pregnant. It's a blessing! It's a miracle! BLAH BLAH!

But yesterday I finally figured out how to describe how I feel ALL THE TIME: hung over.

Imagine it. You wake up in the morning feeling exhausted and mildly like puking. You eat a little. You can't decide if it made you feel worse or better. You have a weird taste in your mouth. Nibble on something odd like Pirate's Booty or pita chips, drink some water. Maybe that will help. Stare into a beautiful bowl of food and feel like dying. You wish you could just go back to bed. Cycle and repeat every hour ON THE HOUR. And you can't even take any ibuprofen. It sucks.

Then go to bed feeling like crap.

Lovely day.

Live to fight another week!

Had a great, amazing, fantastic checkup with Dr. G today. We had another (vaginal) ultrasound and Rocky has grown leaps and bounds and best of all? Is ALIVE AND KICKING! It was such a relief to see so much growth on the screen after just one week and that little flickering heartbeat going to town. The baby is  measuring at 7 weeks, 6 days. Our tentative due date is October 15. I just love our doctor. He flipped the screen around and said, "Well! There's your little punkin!" He has been printing ultrasound photos for us too. He is just wonderful! It is such a huge difference for me this time around with this new doctor. I had to call our old doc's office for some information about whether they did a CF screen on me when I was pregnant before, and they had a goofy "on hold" message about how much he was willing to go "above and beyond the call of duty" for his patients. What a load of crap! My husband and I had a good laugh over that one.

I had my first official prenatal pelvic and they threw in a pap smear for extra fun, and then I headed over to the lab for a blood draw. I was a little taken aback when I was informed at the lab that I would be giving TEN vials of blood. I had to get the CF screen after all (of course my old doctor didn't do it. HE NEVER WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND). The last three times I've gone they've only needed one vial for the beta and progesterone. I got a new phlebotomist who happens to be the brother of Mr. Chatty Phlebotomist. I liked him MUCH better and he was MUCH more professional. I asked him to bring my husband back to distract me while I got bled as I am not very good with the sight of my own blood and also am a fainter. He was very cool about it and very lightly chatted and goofed with us and asked NO PERSONAL MEDICAL QUESTIONS. Imagine that!! He must be half- or step-brothers with Mr. Chatty Phlebotomist. HAA.

Afterward I got a celebratory Slurpee for being such a brave girl at the lab. Three cheers Rocky! We don't go back to the OB for four weeks. That seems like forever. I am to continue my meds and call if anything comes up. Let's pray it's smooth sailing from here on out.

Thank you for your prayers and concern! xoxo