High time.

Well, it's time for me to just put it out there somewhere that John and I had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant with our first child.  We hope to start trying again soon but we're not ready yet because the doctor said to wait 4 months and we're still mourning...

We've been off birth control pills since forever because the hormones didn't agree with me, and we were off condoms beginning Dec. 2006 until I got pregnant in May 2007. We were soooo overjoyed and excited that we were going to have a baby! When I told John we were at a Hastings bookstore in Amarillo, TX and he had to usher me outside so we could whoop and holler and hug eachother.  The look on his face when I told him was one of the most awesome moments of my life.  At that moment we felt so ready to welcome our first child into the world.

I had terrible morning sickness my first month of pregnancy!! It was awful but it was also cool to know that it was because my body was changing to support the life growing inside me.  I did it all: registered at Target and Babies-R-Us, got on every baby e-mail newsletter list, ordered parents magazine, all of it (I was spending most of my time feeling like crap in our guest room watching movies, eating saltines, and cruising the net).  We told our family but we tried to keep the circle of people who knew tight because there was always the possibility that something could happen, but we were so excited that as time went on we started to let it slip. The baby was supposed to be due on Feb. 15, three days before my husband's birthday. 

Unfortunately, in July I miscarried at 9 weeks. We went in for our first sonogram early because we were planning to move the next week and I wanted to be sure that everything was all right.  It wasn't all right:  there was no heartbeat.  "Devastated" doesn't sound big enough to describe what we've gone through this summer and are still going through. We are so incredibly sad that our baby died.

I have to admit that I was one of those women who never, ever thought this would happen to her. I went to the doctor a few weeks before we conceived and the doctor gave me a better-than-average bill of health and told me that she thought I would have no problem conceiving and supporting a normal pregnancy, even after I told her we'd soon be moving across the country.  Her words were "you're young, you're healthy, go for it!"  So we did.  I calculated my cycle for the first time and BOOM! I was pregnant on the first try (even though we'd been unprotected for months we'd never tried to figure out when I was ovulating).

After they told us there was no heartbeat (it was a Friday) I nearly fainted.  John and the NP had me lay down on the table.  We were both in absolute shock.  The NP told us about the options we had ... I could wait for my body to clear my uterus on its own or I could have a procedure called a D & C where the uterus is surgically cleared under anesthesia.  She told us to think about it over the weekend and call on Monday morning.  We went home and just wept on the kitchen floor, then picked up the phone to call everyone who knew and tell them what happened.  John did most of the talking while I sat at the table beside him wanting to die.  That weekend we decided that we wanted to consult with the doctor and have another sonogram on Monday "just to be sure."  But I knew that it was over.  I could feel it.  I felt stupid and like I should have known what was happening because I'd started to get over my morning sickness so suddenly that week ... that was the only symptom I experienced, no spotting, no bleeding, nothing.

So that following Monday we went in and the sonogram confirmed that yes, the baby had no heartbeat.  I could tell by looking at the screen that things had deteriorated over the weekend.  After that I told the doctor that I wanted to go ahead with the D & C so I could "get it over with."  John would have probably preferred that I just wait and let things happen naturally, but the feeling that my baby was dead inside me was killing me.  I couldn't wait.  I needed to get it over with before we moved.

The following Wednesday I went to the surgery center and had the procedure.  Everything went fine.  I had a bit of trouble recovering from the anesthesia and was in a lot of pain the day after, but after a week passed I was pretty much back to normal except for being so physically and emotionally exhausted.  My sister came and helped us pack up and move and Lily and Troy were there for us every step of the way.  I don't know what we would have done without the support of our family and friends at that time.  It was crazy.

So here I am 7 weeks later in a new state, new house, new jobs, new climate.  My life is totally and completely different.  My sister-in-law is now pregnant (almost 12 weeks ... she and her husband started trying as soon as they found out we were pregnant and they conceived immediately as well, in June).  That's kind of hard, especially since she's one of my best friends.  I go through moments of happiness for her and jealousy of her and back again.  Just to clarify, it is not a baby competition over here, we have always known that we wanted to have kids around the same time.  I still hope we will!  Now it's just a matter of "when will I be pregnant again?"  That is the question kicking around in my head all the time.  That and "if I get pregnant again will I lose that baby too?"  I had a normal period about 3 weeks ago -- the first one since surgery -- and when I knew I was ovulating I was so tempted to try and pressure John into going unprotected.  We didn't ... and later I was thanking God that we didn't do that.  But still.  I want to be pregnant.

All that and I don't even have a doctor here yet!  And my doctor in Texas said to wait 4 months!  And my husband's not ready and is still really sad about losing the first baby!  And I understand it all and I don't even think I'm ready yet either BUT STILL!  AH!

We want lots of kids. I'm 27 and my husband is 32.  We want to live to see them graduate college and get married and get to play with our grandkids one day.  This whole waiting thing sucks right now.

Comments

[JJ]

I came over from Elizabeth at the I Word (now P word!) and just wanted to say Im so sorry for the loss you experienced...I know how tough waiting is too. While I havent managed to get knocked up yet, (we had a failed IVF in July) I understand the heart ache that waiting causes-I hope that you all dont have to wait much longer=) Ill be checking back with you!

[Debby]

It always amazes me how every doctor says different things with waiting times after m/c. I've personally been told to wait 3 cycles by one doctor and don't wait at all by another. I've had friends who have been told everything from no wait to 5 months. It makes me wonder if anyone really has any clue what the hell they're talking about. My advice is wait as long as you need to feel good emotionally and physically to go at it again. After my most recent my doc said not to wait if we didn't want to, but I just couldn't deal. We've been on a 5 month break now which has been lovely and I'm now finally feeling like i'm emotionally up for it again.

So sorry for your loss. I hope the support you find in the blog world is as helpful for you as it's been to me.

[Rachel]

I am so sorry about your loss! If you have questions, feel free to e-mail me. I just found your blog through the miscarriage and infant loss directory.

My miscarriage was Feb. 25 and 6 months later I am just beginning to feel "healed" There are still difficult days though.

As far as waiting, I got pregnant right away again (not trying to) and emotionally was not ready. Our doctor advised as to wait for one cycle and said many doctors will advise 3. I think that it all depends on how well you are doing emotionally.

If you are interested in my experience, check out my blog and go back to the oldest posts and read forward.