Some days I don't have anything to say. Some days I have a lot. Today is a "lot" day I guess.
First of all, did you all hear about that little biotch Nicole Richie SMOKING while she's pregnant? If it's true, I want to kill her. There's some debate over whether or not this is true (she has denied it), but GOOD GRIEF. Even the utterance that someone would do this to their unborn child makes me SO MAD. One summer in high school I worked at an insurance company and there was a woman who worked there -- and was obviously pregnant -- who would go down with the rest of the ladies for SMOKE BREAKS. She would just sit there with a lit cigarette and a romance novel balanced on her tummy like it was no big deal. Even as a teenager I KNEW THAT WAS WRONG!!!
I've been chatting with a new friend on email (hi K!) and we were talking today -- ok so it was venting -- about how angry it makes us when irresponsible people get knocked up. It's not fair. Why is is that it comes so easily -- and sometimes accidentally -- for people out there who are obviously not fit to be parents (AHEM BRITNEY SPEARS) and there are so many of us on the sidelines? Who would be really, really good parents? I don't get that at all. I've mentioned it a lot on this website already but sometimes I just have to rant it out I guess.
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Last week I was hanging out with my mother-in-law. She is basically the sweetest woman ever. I am really blessed to have such a good relationship with my husband's mother. Sometimes I have a hard time adjusting to how great my in-laws are because my family, well, it didn't end well over there. That's a whole other post though so we won't go there now.
Anyway I was with my MIL and we were talking about my sister-in-law's baby shower that we're planning for January. We were small talking baby stuff for a while and then she just kind of paused and said that she wanted me to know that even though she talks about my SIL's baby as her first grandchild, that to her the child we lost is really her first grandchild. She said that she knew that baby was in heaven with the baby she lost before she had John, my husband. She just didn't want me to feel bad because people ask her about her "first" grandchild a lot and she knows that we're not telling people...
I didn't know what to say. I kind of just brushed it off and said "That's ok. That is your first grandchild and it's ok to talk about him/her that way." What do you say, really? I haven't really thought much about how other people might be grieving the loss of our pregnancy. I know it was really hard for my husband's parents ... they were so excited. My sister bawled her head off when she found out. I don't really know how my mom feels about it. I guess I just expected that John and I would be the ones to be upset about it and no one else. Stupid, huh?
We are still upset about it. This 2 week wait has been especially hard for John since I've been sick. He just keeps saying "I'm really worried about you." He's worried about my ear infection and he's worried that I'm pregnant and have the infection. I just got that out of him today. I don't blame him. He's the one who had to watch them wheel me into surgery and be there when I got out. He was with me when I passed out and when I threw up after surgery and was all cracked out on codeine ... how awful to stand on the outside and watch as your wife goes through that? I worry that he hasn't talked with anyone about the miscarriage. He's mentioned that it happened to a few close friends but he hasn't really felt like talking about it in detail to anyone. I worry about him. I'm the only one he's had to talk with about it and I've been a mess and a jerk. I've said such horrible things to him out of anger and frustration the last few months ... he really is a saint for still wanting to be married to me and have babies with me. I really don't know what I'd do without him.