Reproductively speaking...

Sometimes you must rant/Other people's grief

Some days I don't have anything to say.  Some days I have a lot.  Today is a "lot" day I guess.

First of all, did you all hear about that little biotch Nicole Richie SMOKING while she's pregnant?  If it's true, I want to kill her.  There's some debate over whether or not this is true (she has denied it), but GOOD GRIEF.  Even the utterance that someone would do this to their unborn child makes me SO MAD. One summer in high school I worked at an insurance company and there was a woman who worked there -- and was obviously pregnant -- who would go down with the rest of the ladies for SMOKE BREAKS.  She would just sit there with a lit cigarette and a romance novel balanced on her tummy like it was no big deal.  Even as a teenager I KNEW THAT WAS WRONG!!!

I've been chatting with a new friend on email (hi K!) and we were talking today -- ok so it was venting -- about how angry it makes us when irresponsible people get knocked up.  It's not fair.  Why is is that it comes so easily -- and sometimes accidentally -- for people out there who are obviously not fit to be parents (AHEM BRITNEY SPEARS) and there are so many of us on the sidelines?  Who would be really, really good parents?  I don't get that at all.  I've mentioned it a lot on this website already but sometimes I just have to rant it out I guess.

--

Last week I was hanging out with my mother-in-law.  She is basically the sweetest woman ever.  I am really blessed to have such a good relationship with my husband's mother.  Sometimes I have a hard time adjusting to how great my in-laws are because my family, well, it didn't end well over there.  That's a whole other post though so we won't go there now.

Anyway I was with my MIL and we were talking about my sister-in-law's baby shower that we're planning for January.  We were small talking baby stuff for a while and then she just kind of paused and said that she wanted me to know that even though she talks about my SIL's baby as her first grandchild, that to her the child we lost is really her first grandchild.  She said that she knew that baby was in heaven with the baby she lost before she had John, my husband.  She just didn't want me to feel bad because people ask her about her "first" grandchild a lot and she knows that we're not telling people...

I didn't know what to say.  I kind of just brushed it off and said "That's ok.  That is your first grandchild and it's ok to talk about him/her that way."  What do you say, really?  I haven't really thought much about how other people might be grieving the loss of our pregnancy.  I know it was really hard for my husband's parents ... they were so excited.  My sister bawled her head off when she found out.  I don't really know how my mom feels about it.  I guess I just expected that John and I would be the ones to be upset about it and no one else.  Stupid, huh? 

We are still upset about it.  This 2 week wait has been especially hard for John since I've been sick.  He just keeps saying "I'm really worried about you."  He's worried about my ear infection and he's worried that I'm pregnant and have the infection.  I just got that out of him today.  I don't blame him.  He's the one who had to watch them wheel me into surgery and be there when I got out.  He was with me when I passed out and when I threw up after surgery and was all cracked out on codeine ... how awful to stand on the outside and watch as your wife goes through that?  I worry that he hasn't talked with anyone about the miscarriage.  He's mentioned that it happened to a few close friends but he hasn't really felt like talking about it in detail to anyone.  I worry about him.  I'm the only one he's had to talk with about it and I've been a mess and a jerk.  I've said such horrible things to him out of anger and frustration the last few months ... he really is a saint for still wanting to be married to me and have babies with me.  I really don't know what I'd do without him.

So, funny story.

On Sunday at church everyone was very concerned about my ear infection (I stayed home, still in a lot of pain).  I'm the pastor's wife so there's generally a lot of questions if I don't show up ... no slipping in the back of the church late for me!  Ha! 

Anyway, after service my husband was talking to a guy at our church -- who coincidentally is part of the family who ALWAYS slips in the back of the church 20 mins late -- and when he found out I had a bad ear infection he threw up his hands and said this:

"Man!  You'd better look out!  She's probably PREGNANT!  When my wife got pregnant ... woah man, everything starts going crazy!  When it's cold she's hot.  When it's hot she's cold.  All kinds of crazy things start going on with your woman!"

Let me just say for the record that no one at our church has any idea that we're trying, nor that we went through a miscarriage right before we arrived.  That being said, I thought this was the greatest thing ever!  So now, being sick is just one more hopeful sign!?!

I guess we'll see about that.  It sure did encourage my poor husband.  We are so naively hopeful even after everything that's happened.  I really, really hope we don't get crushed in a week if I don't end up pregnant this month.

What a ride!!

p.s. I'm feeling a bit better, although I still can't hear out of my left ear!  I'm going back to the doctor this morning.  Now I totally understand why babies SCREAM THEIR HEADS OFF when they have an ear infection!  This crap HURTS!

I have, however, successfully erradicated artificial sweeteners from my diet.  I got some organic sugar from Trader Joe's that seems a bit sweeter than normal white sugar and dissolves better so my one last splurge -- that morning cup of coffee -- hangs on another day.  I also put it in my tea.  I would probably also put it on my M&Ms if it weren't practically a sin.  We don't count M&Ms, ice cream, or tortilla chips as sins around here, by the way. And by "we" I mean me.  Ah, Manda, what else is new?

[late day edit:  I went to the doctor and he said that no, pregnancy probably didn't cause my ear infection, but the SoCal fires and grimy strangers probably helped.  Oh, and my ear infection is actually worse now.  Great.  He told me to start on Afrin nasal spray tomorrow for 2 days, and to call him if things don't start getting better.  THEN we start amoxocillin, which he said is totally safe in case I am pregnant.  Well, at least I have something (if you can count being sick as "something") to help me pass the time until I can test, ha ha.]

Drama, people. DRAMA!

So, you know that crazy headache I had yesterday?  Sometime last night during Ugly Betty it developed wings and decided to become a lovely ear/jaw ache.  Dangit.  I took some Tylenol last night and that helped my headache but when I woke up this morning the entire left side of my face felt swollen (but thankfully didn't look swollen) and HURT A LOT.  I decided I needed to see a doctor.  Since we moved here 3-ish months ago we still don't have all that stuff nailed down so I had to call my insurace company to find an urgent care-type place that was covered.  When I finally got there I couldn't figure out where to park.  When I did figure out where to park I found out that it was going to cost me at least $20 and NO VALIDATION.  Then I went in the wrong building.  GREAT. 

Then I got up to the office, which is in majority an occupational health center.  A ton of guys in mechanic uniforms and airport reflective vests ogle me as I walk in.  Classy.  The receptionist begins her barrage of questions:  Are you here for a drug test?  What company do you work for?  Were you injured on the job?  Why are you here?  I start freaking out a little.  I tell the lady that my insurance company sent me here and I just have a painful earache.  Light bulbs start flashing on her side of the counter ... she tells me that they have just started seeing urgent care patients recently. How reassuring!!  After I get my paperwork turned in I go out in the hallway and bawl my head off whilst on the phone with my husband.  Ugh.  Traumatized.

Once I got past the waiting room everything was fine.  Great nurse, nice doctor.  I have an outer ear infection.  They gave me drops, which are totally safe should I turn up pregnant.  They even validated my parking for me.

Now, of course, I'm wondering if all my wacky "symptoms" over the last few days have been the result of the lovely little infection hibernating in my ear, and not pregnancy at all.  When I was pregnant last time I got SUPER sick with a bad cold for about 2 weeks and it's always made me wonder, so on the way to get my prescription drops filled I called my dear husband and had another good boo hoo wondering if my body is presently killing any residents in my uterus.  This is torture.

When I was at the pharmacy filling out my health profile it asked if I had any medical conditions, and of course pregnancy is on the list.  I paused for a looooong while on that one.  And then I put a check next to it.  Just in case.

NOVEMBER 7!!!!!  AHHHHH!

Well, let's see what else I can complain about.

SO, since before lunchtime today I have had a raging headache.  LOVELY.  Since I'm all suspicious and hopeful I decided it would be a good idea to cut back on the caffeine a little and skip the Diet Cokes.  BAD IDEA, especially considering all my mind does is RACE ALL DAY.  I've been trying to drink a lot of water in the hopes that it will make me magically feel better but no dice.  Boo.

Also, I'm freaked out about chemicals.  I got my dogs these new flea collars yesterday and they reek of this strange chemical smell (like DuraFlame fire logs, that's the best I can equate it to).  My dog was just on the couch next to me and the odor is unbearable.  Then I started to freak out about whether the chemicals can get into my bloodstream. AHHH!  I think the new flea collars are getting thrown out.  Smelly chemicals can't be good for anyone ... but dang, what a waste of 13 bucks!  I'm all worried about aspartame too (can you have that when you're pregnant?  My sister-in-law's doctor told her NO artificial sweeteners at all and I haven't heard that yet).  How the heck am I going to sweeten anything without putting a buttload of sugar on it and getting FAT?  I love those little blue packets!! 

We switched to non-toxic cleaning supplies last month and I'm really happy about that.  I can clean the bathroom without burning off my nose hair, which is always nice.  (I use Method brand cleaners, by the way.  They smell REALLY good and are available at Target. They are the same price as regular cleaners so it's a good price point too.)

Today John and I went out for lunch to a new place ... and it sucked.  I got a salad that was SO NOT A SALAD ... it was coated in ranch and tossed with bbq sauce and it was just ridiculous.  I picked through it and did not enjoy it at all (although I love all things junky I was in the mood for a bonafide salad that might have some nutritional value).  We have been wondering together the last few days if I'm pregnant and my husband commented that he'd not seen me eat this way since the last time I was pregnant and had morning sickness (talk about NEVER enjoying food).

I was going to make us a nice dinner tonight but I forgot to marinate the chicken.  It had to marinate for 4-6 hours so I guess we'll have it tomorrow night.  Poor husband!  After our horrible lunch I'm going to Trader Joe's to find us something fun and healthy.  I love their frozen mushroom risotto (and LOTS of other things which are probably frivolous and overly expensive but how can you argue with pretzels filled with peanut butter AND THEN coated with chocolate?  You cannot, friends.  You just can't).

I can't test for a long time ... my period isn't due until Nov. 7.  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO UNTIL THEN?  GAHHHH!  Thanks for your comments, dear internet buddies.  I need lots to keep me occupied as I tap the table until then.  Other than stalking and lurking around on your blogs without commenting back (BECAUSE I AM A LOSER), that is.  :)

And so, the endless cycle of interpretation begins ... again.

So, I must be pregnant, right?

My brain is barely functional.  Good thing I only have 100 more pages to read tonight for my work training tomorrow morning at 9:30 and all I want to do right now is watch re-runs of King of Queens.

Also, I'm trying to do a few of the 4,568 loads of laundry that are built up in the garage right now.  Good thing I keep forgetting to CLOSE THE LID on the washer so that the cycle can even BEGIN.  I just walked in the garage to change loads over, tripped over the mountains of laundry and OOPS, there was the open washer (like 3 hours after I intended to start it.  Not to mention I had to re-wash an old wet load because it had been in there so long it had developed a suspicious mildewy stench.  Mmmm).

I only want to eat things that contain sugar, carbs, or butter.  If it has any nutritional value it sounds DISGUSTING.  Also, I am too tired and lazy to make myself something to eat of substance.  Or to go to the store to buy half-and-half and Pop Tarts and cookies.  So I'm pretty much stuck with cereal.  Kashi Go Lean is good for developing fetuses (if there are any in there), right?

I am already a clumsy person.  However, today I managed to spray myself thoroughly with the garden hose and simultaneously knock down one of my hanging plants and shatter the container ALL OVER THE BACK PORCH.  I shouted several expletives.  I am talking SHOUTED, people.  It's Southern California, we have no a/c and it's HOT here so everyone has their windows open.  Did I mention that my husband's a pastor and we LIVE IN THE #$%%^@# CHURCH PARSONAGE?

I spent well over $100 at Target today ON LAMPS.

I hate all my pants.  The jeans came off around 3 pm today.  I waited two hours before I decided to put something on:  Pajama  bottoms.  Beautiful, stretchy, wonderful pjs.

I have wanted to cry several times today over stupid things.  Case in point: I got John some stuff to organize his closet and when I got home and put them to work I noticed a latch was missing on the underbed storage box.  The latch was there at Target.  Where did it go?  What do I do?  Do I exchange the whole thing or can I just take back the top?  Do I have to go back and look for it in the parking lot?  Do I let it go?  I was JUST TRYING TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ... WAAAAAAHHHHH!  Oh and then there was that X-Files episode we watched.  And then there was when my friend who has a one-year-old and is 2 months pregnant was all "I'm going back to work full time in January, hopefully!" And then I knocked something else over.  And then I didn't like where I hung something on the wall.  And then my husband played his guitar too loud when I was trying to read...WAAAAHHH.

So, so tired.  Like when you get up early for a flight and you finally get to wherever you were going that night and you've lost two hours in the time change and you feel like DYING and everyone you came to see is all happy and full of energy and wanting to go out for ice cream and you're thinking JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAKS.  Yeah.  That kind of tired.

If I'm not pregnant this has been the WORST DAY EVER!

[Funding for this post provided by CAPS LOCK]

I'm crazier than Count von Count!

I'm ovulating over here.  And going nuts wondering if something, ANYTHING is happening in my uterus.

It is nice to know that, however, my hope this month is not entirely false because YES.  You-know-what.  Yes.  We did it.  A lot.

Freakin' two week wait.  GAHHHH.

Judgements

I used to read Suzy Byrne's entertainment gossip blog all the time at iVillage.com.  In the last few months I haven't checked it regularly but recently she had this to say about pregnancy tests in reference to Halle Berry (who has admitted that she struggled with IF before she acheived her recent pregnancy).  It's her blog and she can say what she wants, but I disagree with her big time. 

I don't know about you all, but I kept my positive pregnancy tests up until I miscarried at 9 weeks ... I probably would have kept them a lot longer if I hadn't lost the baby.  I threw them out when I put away all my baby stuff because they were just an upsetting reminder of the loss.  While I was pregnant I would take them out of the drawer about once a day to confirm that, yes, I was actually pregnant.  I kept them in the foil wrappers and the sealed cap was on them (I had two of them that I kept).  They did not smell bad (they were dried out) and I don't think it was that gross to keep them.  It was an emotional and sentimental thing.

Any thoughts?

Possibly a controversial question:

I'm curious.  If you're Pro-Choice does that necessarily mean you're pro-abortion?  This is not a loaded question.  I am genuinely seeking someone's viewpoint on this.

The reason why I ask is this:  I came across an IF blog recently where the woman described herself as a pro-choice feminist who was dying to have a child.  It struck me as odd and I'm not sure why.  It seems like so many of us are BABY CRAZY.  If we can't have one, we'd love to adopt someone else's.  We're surrounded by all these pregnant people TAUNTING us.  Can we even imagine someone getting pregnant and choosing to end the pregnancy (no matter what the circumstance) when we're racing and spending fortunes trying to have children of our own?

I'm wondering if the issue is the availability of the choice itself.  If it's reflective of some right we feel we need to maintain, and not necessarily a vote for abortion.

It also raises the issue of when life begins.  Does it begin at conception?

If you look at all those baby books (you know the ones with the month-by-month drawings of "your baby" and descriptions of what's happening with "your baby"), or talk to someone who's had a miscarriage, there's no question about it:  Life does begin at conception and what grew inside us was indeed a life with a soul.

Has having a miscarriage changed your viewpoint on this issue?  I've been thinking about this for a few days and just wanted to put it out there.

DISCLAIMER: If you respond, please do so from a personal (not political) standpoint.  I cannot stand preaching and if you do it and say mean or condemning things about either side I will probably delete your comment.  Vent on your own blog.  It irritates me to no end when people do not think wisely before they respond to a blog post because they think they can hide behind the internet.  No anonymous comments are allowed. 

P.S. It's my blog and I am the boss.  :)

IMPATIENT

So, I go to a new hairdresser today.  She's 8 months pregnant.

I go online and find out my favorite blogger is 6 weeks pregnant. 

Every time I turn around SOMEONE IS PREGNANT.  I HAVE NOWHERE TO HIDE.

This is getting kind of old.  But it's just because I'm so dang impatient.

Day of remembrance.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Do you know how hard that was to even put up here?  If I put it up here it makes what I'm dealing with a reality.  It means I'm a part of it. 

I don't have anything else to say really.

I remember you, Tex.