Future-dwelling

I've lately come across two wonderful posts about accepting whatever the future holds in terms of babymaking.

One is by a friend of mine. Who is frustrated. I can totally relate to that.

One is by a well-known blogger. She is choosing to not be frustrated with infertility anymore. I admire her for that. But I cannot so easily relate.

The other day my husband and I were sitting on the floor with our daughter - who happens to be the most vivacious, crazy, wonderful 17-month-old in OUR opinion - and as we watched her "cook" on her kitchen set and swoop in for kisses we agreed that no matter what the future holds ... we are so blessed. I can say that without one single reservation. My "Little Buddy" is awesome. She is a gift. How can I dare ask for anything more?

So of course, I ask myself, what is this longing? What is this obsessive future-dwelling doing to help? I cannot control whether or not I get pregnant (other than the marital relations, ahem). And if I do get pregnant I cannot control whether or not those babies ever live outside my womb.  Yet, on particularly bad days, this is where I live. In the future. I see my daughter teaching a younger sibling the ropes. I see myself hugely pregnant again (and of course I conveniently forget about the 40 pounds and the barfing and all the discomforts pregnancy has to offer). I once again feel a phantom infant snuggled to my breast. It tortures me. More specifically, I torture myself.

And it makes no sense. Because here today, right now, I have my baby girl. She is amazing. How could I ever dare ask for anything more?

Comments

[A'Dell]

Moosh in Indy hit it perfectly - it's about control.

Somehow, not having a say in one of the most basic parts of being a women, of being a HUMAN, is so insulting.

I admire women who can be at peace with the cards they've been dealt. They're definitely bigger and better people than I am.

But, I am a fighter and I rarely take no for an answer.

Claire only exists because I fought for her from the get-go (my doctors initially canceled the cycle we conceived her) and I remember that whenever I get discouraged. (Sometimes, being a pushy bitch works out.)

One day I'll be happy and not frustrated; I'm pretty sure I've got that in me somewhere. But, for now, I'm going to follow a lot of paths before I'm finished.

[moosh in indy.]

Because as a woman you deserve more.

You deserve to be able to make decisions about your family. About how and when to add to your family.

But some of us are stripped of that right of womanhood and it sucks. We get the periods and the cramps and the body hair that comes with being a woman and yet we don't get to control where and when our babies come from.

And sometimes it does suck.

That's why you want more. And that's why it's okay to be not okay with it all the time.