Well here I am. Back to the place where I lament, fear, vent and hide.
This blog is that place for me. You see my mom? My family? My close friends? They all read my other blog. Which is very public. And open for discussion.
And my mother even once dared to tell me that my discourses about the two miscarriages I've had (and other sad things like the death of my father?) were depressing everyone. She prefers that I be funny and/or witty I suppose.
But I can't be funny or witty about losing my babies and still wanting another baby. About how scary it is to walk down that road again after two miscarriages. How I wonder if Sydney is the only baby I'll carry to term.
And of course there are disclaimers to write. I know how blessed I am to have had a baby at all, to have experienced a full-term healthy pregnancy. If you know anything about our daughter you would know what a blessing she is ... she is an amazing little person who knocks our socks off every day with her sweet, wild, fearless, hilarious personality. We know that she is a gift that we are unworthy of.
Even so I dare to ask for more. For her to have a sibling. Siblings even.
I wish that we could fast forward ten years and I could look back and see how this turned out. In my mind I reassure myself that I will look back and see ALL my children, all 4-5 of them (ha ha! Dream big!). But here I stand on this stupid precipice, waiting and wondering. Knowing that even if I achieve pregnancy again it could be all for naught. Getting pregnant is not the problem ... after all I've been pregnant three times. It's staying pregnant that eludes me. I guess a record of 1-2 isn't all that bad. But it's not all that good either.
Even though we have lost, even though my husband reassures my fears in an almost flippant, almost naive way (that indicates to me that he's worried too), even though we are expecting another cousin for Syd this spring and it is killing me, I don't categorize myself as someone with "infertility" just yet. I don't necessarily expect to have another miscarriage. I let myself off the hook and tell myself that we're done with that. That we've met our quota. That it can't happen again.
Which is exactly what I told myself the first time.
And some people say I'm a pessimist. Huh.
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