(Originally published on August 3, 2009 at inside dog.)
It occurs to me now that I have a "history of miscarriage." Having more than one means something a little more specific than having only one (in my estimation). I'm not sure what exactly it means for me medically, but it seems that it's now the category I fall into ... the "history of miscarriage" category. My doctor assured me that because I've been able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and produce a perfectly healthy baby that it really doesn't mean anything (as in I wouldn't now technically qualify as someone who struggles with fertility). BUT STILL. Every time I have to fill in my health information at a new place I'm going to have to tally up these pregnancies. I'm going to have to tell triage nurses that I've had two miscarriages and see that hesitantly sad look they give you as they file through appropriate responses.
It makes me wonder about the future. After we went through the first miscarriage (which was a more advanced pregnancy ... I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant), I convinced myself that it couldn't happen again. I comforted myself when people told me that most women experience one miscarriage (usually the first) and then are fine and go on to have as many babies as they want without any trouble whatsoever. The possibility that it would happen again was so slim to me that I didn't even allow it to enter my mind when we got pregnant again this third time. It was already back there in the shadows, that little "what if?" voice. It was there the whole time I was pregnant with Sydney and everything had turned out fine, so I figured that it was just a part of things now even if all is well.
It will be with me always, I suppose.
It has been said many times that if I never took the pregnancy test I never would have even realized that I was pregnant. "Women are pregnant and then suddenly NOT pregnant all the time and all they think is that their period is late!" It does make me wonder how many times I've been "chemically pregnant" (but thankfully I don't know that ... who wants to tally THOSE results and then list them off to some poor check-in nurse?). It does make sense, and I'm pretty sure that my doctor mentioned the same thing.
But you know what? I did take the test. We did know. We were happy about it for those two days. And we are sad that it turned out the way it did.
Mostly I'm worried that this is a new trend in my life. That somehow the worst-case scenario will become reality and that will be our "new normal." We'll find out we're pregnant, get our hopes up, and then have them totally dashed as we deal with another loss. I really just want to be regular normal, mmkay? I want off the hook. I want no more reproductive issues whatsoever. I don't want another doctor to ever have to pat me on the knee and tell me they are so sorry. Because that crap sucks.
(A word on networking: You are not alone. If you are dealing with miscarriage, loss, or infertility, there are people out there to support you. I have found the following site to be a fantastic place to start. I hope it is helpful for you too:
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