Reproductively speaking...

6w1d

So far so good. Our little fighter - now dubbed "Rocky" - is still hanging on. I had a vaginal ultrasound at our appointment and our doctor turned the screen and showed us the little blinking heartbeat. What a relief. I'm measuring at 6 weeks, one day, plus or minus two days.

Because of the bleeding, which so far is unexplained, I have been instructed to stay off my feet for the next 24 hours. Then for the next week (I have another appointment next Thursday) I am to "take it easy" ... no sex, no working out, no taking our toddler out on my own and to keep taking my medicine. With all this in mind, we decided to tell my husband's parents what's going on. They live in the area and are very supportive and wonderful. My MIL is here now doing dinnertime with my girl and has already folded clothes and spruced up the kitchen. They have sworn to secrecy. Personally I'm glad that my husband will have someone to talk to about this stuff if he needs to, and I know that we desperately need the help. Because I'm not quite sure how I'm going to keep us in groceries or wear my daughter out without taking her anywhere on my own. It's going to be an interesting week.

Thanks for your prayers!! This is quite a rollercoaster. My doctor commented that he wanted to take this week by week because he didn't want to keep me on the progesterone if the baby's heart stops for some reason.

Hold on til the bell rings, little Rocky. Keep fighting.

hope, terror

I just went to the bathroom and there was blood. Not a lot, but enough to freak me out completely. But what constitutes a lot? I felt a little gush, thought that it was just the progesterone suppository leaking, went to the bathroom and there it was. Blood and a few dark clots.

Of course my husband had just walked out the door to go to a meeting like 2 minutes earlier.

Of course the nurse couldn't come to the phone when I called. Of course my appointment is tomorrow at 10:45.

(She just called back. I'm going in today at three.)

Can I just say that this completely and totally sucks? I have a little comfort in the fact that I just read someone else's blog and they had blood at about the same point in pregnancy (six weeks) and went in for and ultrasound only to discover that she was pregnant with twins ... two heartbeats. I'm clinging to that right now.

The results are in!

Good news from Nurse B just now...

Beta is at 16,910

Progesterone is at 21.88 (above 20 is where it's supposed to be).

YAY!

Misadventures in hormones

This last week has been a whirlwind, and not always in a good way. I am definitely feeling the effects of the progesterone in two ways: My breasts are tender and I'm TIRED. Like Monumentally Tired alls the time. I'm trying to get to bed by 10 pm every night but it doesn't always work out. Which throws me into this cycle of sleep deficit the next day and long story short nothing's getting done around the house, my kid's watching a lot of Elmo etc. My husband's birthday was yesterday and it was pretty anticlimactic. He isn't really big into his birthday anyway, but I'm into birthdays and always like to try and make it a really special day. I felt like I was playing catch-up the entire day. I wrapped his presents mid-day and brought them out immediately after, and I made his cake while he was teaching his night class. I had chicken tortilla soup in the crock pot but I put it in late so the chicken needed a little more time to cook when we were ready to eat (it was like 7:30. Pathetic). When it was finally ready we ate it in bed and watched LOST. We ate his cake and watched a movie (because we got the shaft and the Olympics were on so no Office! BOO!). He said it was a great birthday. I really do have the most wonderful husband.

My mom visited this week (and yes, she asked me if I was pregnant and I totally played it off with "nope, just fat" because I am bloated and hungry all the time. I think she bought it. She's nosy. And she's not the best house guest). I dropped her off at the airport yesterday morning and then headed to the lab for yet another blood test. I got Mr. Chatty Plebotomist. He was ribbing me about how many times I've been there in the last month (three times) and I said, "Well hopefully you won't see me again for a while after this, it means I'm doing well." He was kinda like "Huh?" and said "Well you know I'm taking blood because they're testing to see if you're pregnant." And then I said, "No, actually they're testing me to see if I'm staying pregnant." He was taken aback and then said he hoped I did. God I wish that guy would just SHUT IT.

On Fridays my friend who is a single mom (she adopted two kids from Haiti as a single woman. It took 4.5 years to get them home and she moved to Haiti and quit her entire life in order to be their mom. On her own. She's my hero) comes over with her kids and we have girl time. It's a time I treasure with a wonderful friend. Last Friday was nuts, I got the call from Nurse B about my progesterone a few minutes before I needed to go pick up my friend's son from school. I kept him all afternoon and then my friend and her daughter came over for dinner after they had spent the afternoon getting the girl's cochlear implant turned on for the first time. I was so emotionally exhausted by the time they arrived ... the week had just done me in (I was still reeling from teen pregnancy and my friend in jail). My friend's daughter is very high energy and has very limited communication skills (she is still learning sign). The kids love to play Wii when they come over but they can't do it for themselves. The daughter was - in her high energy, limited communication way - gesturing and "yelling" at me what games she wanted to play on the Wii and the kids were basically dominating our "girl time." I was so tired and frustrated and I started joking that my friend's daughter was "bossing me around." I was very impatient and I don't know what came over me, I just wouldn't shut up about being "bossed" and was short and rude to my friend and her daughter. This prompted my friend, who I love and treasure, to write me a huge long email this week in "defense" of her daughter, who is developmentally delayed, deaf, etc. and told me that she didn't think her daughter was "bossing" me and listed the many reasons why. It made me want to throw up, I felt so awful. We exchanged messages and ironed it all out (I slobbered all over myself apologizing, and rightly so because I AM AN ASS), but I still feel terrible about it. They are coming over tonight so hopefully we'll be able to talk it over some more. I'm very tempted to tell her about the pregnancy, but I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll have to clear it with my husband first, but I know already he'll say "no way."

My mind is just a mess. Yesterday I started experiencing some nausea. You'd think that would be a good thing! Something to rejoice over! But instead I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm caught in this mental state of "Well, it could be the pregnancy, or it could just be the hormones." I guess the only way to tell will be the results of yesterday's blood test, which I will receive today (probably a few minutes before I go to pick up my friend's son ... I get him again today at 2:30). If all goes well, then I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday. Nurse B tells me that at that point they will do an ultrasound and look for a heartbeat. I'm assuming I can expect a vaginal ultrasound this early on? Then two weeks later I'll have an Official prenatal appointment.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I fully expect to get bad news today when the nurse calls. I expect my Beta to have dropped, and well, that to be it. Despite all the optimism from the doctor and nurse and the generally positive feedback I've received about progesterone supplements, I still expect to hear the worst. Because with me the bad news has always outweighed the good when it comes to babies. I feel the need to protect my heart. I guess if you expect the worst then when something good happens it's a nice surprise.

What a crappy outlook on life. Blerg.

(p.s. Thank you all for your encouraging emails and comments. I know I haven't responded to you all, but I want you to know how much your words and thoughts and prayers mean to me. I am clinging to those things right now!)

Not so bad news (?)

I called the office back right at 1:30 (and if I'm honest, I also called at 1:14, 1:23, and 1:28). The receptionist told me "she's in a meeting" and then asked for my name and put me on hold... a few seconds later Nurse B was on the line. I can't remember how she began the conversation but she dove right in with my results. My HCG/Beta was HIGH, like extremely high at 1,359. Nurse B said that was very, very good as they were expecting the numbers to be in the 200-300 range (your Beta doubles every day you're pregnant. A week ago my level was at 26. And no, I'm not going to do the math on that right now).

The bad news was that my progesterone level had dropped from 15ish to 10. However, according to Nurse B on behalf of Dr. G, this is something that can be fixed via vaginal progesterone supplements. She called in the prescription right away, called me back and gave me the details. I have to take one supplement in the morning, lie back down for 10 minutes and then another at night when I go to bed. She was very POSITIVE on the phone and said that Dr. G was really not concerned: with progesterone supplements up until I'm 12 weeks, this baby has an excellent chance of making it. She encouraged me to not stress out too much (ha) and told me that a majority of patients who get this particular type of treatment go on to successful pregnancies.

My husband immediately had concerns. We both did an over-consultation of Dr. Google in the time we had while we were waiting for lunch break to be over. He was worried about the side effects ... he read on one site that progesterone causes depression and anxiety and sleeplessness. Thankfully he was the one to have to go to pick up the prescription (I had already agreed to watch a friend's kid this afternoon) so he could ask questions to his heart's content. The pharmacist assured him that the side effects for the suppository would be very low, if existent. She explained to him that the bad side effects associated with progesterone therapy is associated with the cream and the shots. He was relieved when he got home. I was glad. I am not the type to really question what the doctor says (often). I was so exhausted I was glad that there was some sort of plan of action, some sort of hope to be had.

My head is pretty messed up right now. I feel so ... neutral about the whole thing. It's kinda scary how not hopeful or hopeless I feel at the same time. When I got the message earlier I just assumed I was losing the baby. I still feel like there's a really good chance that I will. I straight up asked Nurse B the tough questions: Was it possible that by using progesterone that I'm just prolonging the inevitable? She said,"yes, there's that possibility. But your Beta! It's so high! It's a really, really good sign!" I asked if I could still miscarry and she said "yes, of course that's a possibility in any situation. But this will significantly boost the odds in your favor. If your Beta was low then we wouldn't even be bothering with this."  And she also told me that maybe this has been my problem all along, but no one ever caught it until now. She said she had her fingers crossed for me and scheduled me for another blood test next week to see how things are going.

I take my first dose tonight. The ginormous pills are in the fridge. I am wondering how I am going to hide this from my mother, who is rolling into town for a 3-day visit on Sunday. I am wondering how long I can keep the prescription bottle in the fridge out of the way of prying eyes. I can't even stomach the thought of making the announcement any time soon. I hate being back on this damn stupid rollercoaster.

I wonder how much mini fridges cost.

Bad news?

The nurse called while I was trying to get Syd down for her nap. She left me a message that said, "I got your labs back. It doesn't look bad but I think we need to start the progesterone." She called 30 mins. before they all left the office to take their hour-and-a-half lunch break.

They are out on lunch until 1:30. I have been waiting 16 minutes since I got the message and it already feels like an eternity. This week has sucked. I found out one of my teen girls is pregnant, another kid I used to work with in Texas got thrown in jail last night, my daughter has not napped in two days and my husband and I have been fighting for the last 20 hours.

I hate this. This is bullshit. I am sitting here shaking wondering what in the hell I'm supposed to do with myself for the next (now) 40 mins. Will they want me to come in today? Will it make any difference? Will I have a baby? Will I have a miscarriage? What is going to happen?

Good signs here

I need to count my symptomatic blessings right now. So here they are:

My boobs hurt and seem bigger.

I have to pee every half hour.

I'm thirsty. So thirsty.

10 pm is my cutoff for the day. I'm in bed no later than 10:30. I'm pretty much useless by 8 pm.

I get to the end of my plate of food and could very easily hork down another helping. Sometimes I do.

If the toilet lid is up and I have to touch it to put it down, if the bathtub is even slightly dirty, if I find ants anywhere in the house I am supremely grossed out. Like I am freaking out I am so abnormally grossed out.

Gag reflex is on high alert. See above symptom.

Weird smells make me want to hork. Weird smells include basset hound, poopie diapers of any degree, and coffee breath. They all smell the same, by the way.

And last but not least, a good blood test. A confirmation. A scientific one.

I needed to be positive right now. I need to balance out the fear of going to the bathroom and discovering that I'm miscarrying again. There are good signs here.

No news is good news

I called the doctor's office this morning first thing. The nurse told me that my blood test results had come in late on Friday and the doctor had already left for the day and she didn't call people with their results until the doctor could interpret them first. Good policy. She was very apologetic on the phone and had good news ... I'm definitely in the early stages of pregnancy! She said that my HCG/beta was at 26 and should be in the 200s by my next blood test this Thurs. My progesterone level was at 15.75 and that it was a very good number because my test this week should be at 20+. She was optimistic about my progesterone levels and said that it doesn't seem - at this very early stage - like I'll need a progesterone supplement. I go back in on Thursday for another blood draw and the nurse instructed me to call the office on Friday afternoon for a quick turnaround on my results.

What a relief! I called my husband on the phone and he also sounded relieved and excited. He even giggled a little! I feel like we can relax a little. A little. In the back of my mind I have this lingering knowledge that everything could be fine up until 9, 10, 11 weeks and then it could be over. I know that this could only last a few more days and be over. But it's nice to know right now in this moment that all systems are a go. It felt like a gift to have good news to share.

Onward ho!

Darker still

Yesterday even though I thought that the nurse was calling I couldn't stand the thought of the latent pregnancy test in the medicine cabinet. So I took it and the second line was darker. What a relief.

And then? The day drained away and the nurse never called.

I've scrolled back through the conversation I had with her when I made the appointment so many times today. She said "maybe we'll get the results back by Friday." She never said she would call me. And maybe the blood test results didn't come through yet (wouldn't surprise me, Mr. Phlebotomist was a bit unprofessional, after all). Maybe she was just planning on calling me when there was a comparison to make between the two blood tests? I'm sure it's not a big deal.

But I'm out of pregnancy tests.

So it seems like a big deal.

The good news is that today I was nauseated. I was at a friend's house for a meeting and dinner was provided. I was feeling gross and was hoping that a little food would settle my stomach. I was happy to see a fresh green salad on the table ... just the thing! Unfortunately it had some sort of curry dressing on it (the last thing I ate before getting violently ill with the stomach flu three weeks ago was curry rice *owie*).  Unfortunately I didn't realize this until AFTER I took a huge bite of it. Dude, things went on high alert after that. Luckily there was also sushi on that table and with the sushi? Pickled ginger. I ate a huge packet of that and felt a lot better. On my way home I stopped at Trader's and got a container of ginger snaps and I was in good form by the time I got home except for feeling full and gross. That along with being ridiculously tired all this week is a little reassuring.

I still don't want to get my hopes up. Last time I was pregnant I was tired and getting carsick the two weeks leading up to the miscarriage. Normal pregnancy stuff.

I wish there was some good news, something that could take the edge off the anxiety. But this is the course we chart when we impart on this kind of crazy journey. This is the price some of us pay for babies.

It's worth it.

Pregnancy as stasis and other thoughts

After fretting much of the day over it yesterday I finally decided to just call the doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do. It is impossibly early to make an appointment, but I needed them to tell me so. My doctor has a wonderful nurse who took a good 15 minutes to talk to me. She pulled my file and recommended that I go in for a blood test this week so that they could get a "baseline" progesterone/beta level on me.  Once that's done I'll have to go in again next week to see where the numbers are. She said if my beta is high but the progesterone is low there is a possibility that they'll start me on progesterone (vaginally, great) and that if so, I would be on that until 12 weeks. She reassured me that they do bloodwork on a majority of their patients and that it's very common to go on progesterone ... she estimated that about 20% of my doctor's patients are on it. And then she did the whole "then again, everything could be normal" statement (fingers crossed)! She told me that they definitely wanted my blood levels - despite how early on I am right now - because of my history.

I went in this morning to get my first blood draw. The phlebotomist was super chatty. He told me all about his wild nephews who drive him nuts and asked me straight out if this was my first baby, asked me if I was excited to be pregnant, etc. (I didn't indicate that I was pregnant, he obviously knew what the tests are for). I didn't share much information with him. I started to say that I'd had miscarriages, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to define myself that way in that moment. I wanted to define myself as someone who is hopeful, someone who defines "pregnant" as a stasis, a state that will not change until a baby is the result.

Now as I'm typing this out I am registering that the phlebotomist was kinda rude and overstepping his boundaries asking me all those questions, making leaps from the doctor's order sheet. What if I had been miscarrying again? What if this was the test to determine that my baby had moved on? I guess this doesn't occur to everyone, especially a single man with no children and no tact.

Anyway.

After the appointment I found myself in the drive-thru window at a burger joint, totally prepared to stuff a huge, greasy burger down my gob. But by the time I got to the window I chickened out and ordered a salad (and some mozzarella sticks too, not totally a chicken I guess). As I was sitting there I reminded myself all the things I said about "next time" ... about how I wasn't going to totally let go and eat whatever crap happens to be in my way, how I was going to take better care of myself during the next pregnancy. I don't eat fast food EVER anymore, and yet the second I get a faint second line on a pregnancy test HERE I AM. And so, salad it was. I'm glad I didn't get the burger (and the mozzarella sticks satisfied my need for junk food).

***

Before I went in this morning to get my blood drawn I decided to take my last pregnancy test as a way to boost my confidence, remind me that yep, I'm still pregnant and I'm not a total nutjob for going for a blood test already. I peed on the test and nothing happened ... no lines at all anywhere. Great! Defective test! So of course, as soon as I was done getting my drive-thru salad I drove straight to the pharmacy and bought more pee sticks. I just took one ... still pregnant. I guess I could have waited for the nurse to call me tomorrow to tell me but I just needed to see that line again. A little darker today. I feel like an addict going out of my way to buy these tests and sneaking them into the house and taking them so my husband doesn't know I'm buying more. He likes to tease me about all the pregnancy tests I take. I don't know why I'm so obsessed, why I let my mind play these tricks on me. I guess that's the roller coaster I'll be riding until I'm in the clear. Nine months from now.

oy.