Misadventures in hormones

This last week has been a whirlwind, and not always in a good way. I am definitely feeling the effects of the progesterone in two ways: My breasts are tender and I'm TIRED. Like Monumentally Tired alls the time. I'm trying to get to bed by 10 pm every night but it doesn't always work out. Which throws me into this cycle of sleep deficit the next day and long story short nothing's getting done around the house, my kid's watching a lot of Elmo etc. My husband's birthday was yesterday and it was pretty anticlimactic. He isn't really big into his birthday anyway, but I'm into birthdays and always like to try and make it a really special day. I felt like I was playing catch-up the entire day. I wrapped his presents mid-day and brought them out immediately after, and I made his cake while he was teaching his night class. I had chicken tortilla soup in the crock pot but I put it in late so the chicken needed a little more time to cook when we were ready to eat (it was like 7:30. Pathetic). When it was finally ready we ate it in bed and watched LOST. We ate his cake and watched a movie (because we got the shaft and the Olympics were on so no Office! BOO!). He said it was a great birthday. I really do have the most wonderful husband.

My mom visited this week (and yes, she asked me if I was pregnant and I totally played it off with "nope, just fat" because I am bloated and hungry all the time. I think she bought it. She's nosy. And she's not the best house guest). I dropped her off at the airport yesterday morning and then headed to the lab for yet another blood test. I got Mr. Chatty Plebotomist. He was ribbing me about how many times I've been there in the last month (three times) and I said, "Well hopefully you won't see me again for a while after this, it means I'm doing well." He was kinda like "Huh?" and said "Well you know I'm taking blood because they're testing to see if you're pregnant." And then I said, "No, actually they're testing me to see if I'm staying pregnant." He was taken aback and then said he hoped I did. God I wish that guy would just SHUT IT.

On Fridays my friend who is a single mom (she adopted two kids from Haiti as a single woman. It took 4.5 years to get them home and she moved to Haiti and quit her entire life in order to be their mom. On her own. She's my hero) comes over with her kids and we have girl time. It's a time I treasure with a wonderful friend. Last Friday was nuts, I got the call from Nurse B about my progesterone a few minutes before I needed to go pick up my friend's son from school. I kept him all afternoon and then my friend and her daughter came over for dinner after they had spent the afternoon getting the girl's cochlear implant turned on for the first time. I was so emotionally exhausted by the time they arrived ... the week had just done me in (I was still reeling from teen pregnancy and my friend in jail). My friend's daughter is very high energy and has very limited communication skills (she is still learning sign). The kids love to play Wii when they come over but they can't do it for themselves. The daughter was - in her high energy, limited communication way - gesturing and "yelling" at me what games she wanted to play on the Wii and the kids were basically dominating our "girl time." I was so tired and frustrated and I started joking that my friend's daughter was "bossing me around." I was very impatient and I don't know what came over me, I just wouldn't shut up about being "bossed" and was short and rude to my friend and her daughter. This prompted my friend, who I love and treasure, to write me a huge long email this week in "defense" of her daughter, who is developmentally delayed, deaf, etc. and told me that she didn't think her daughter was "bossing" me and listed the many reasons why. It made me want to throw up, I felt so awful. We exchanged messages and ironed it all out (I slobbered all over myself apologizing, and rightly so because I AM AN ASS), but I still feel terrible about it. They are coming over tonight so hopefully we'll be able to talk it over some more. I'm very tempted to tell her about the pregnancy, but I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll have to clear it with my husband first, but I know already he'll say "no way."

My mind is just a mess. Yesterday I started experiencing some nausea. You'd think that would be a good thing! Something to rejoice over! But instead I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm caught in this mental state of "Well, it could be the pregnancy, or it could just be the hormones." I guess the only way to tell will be the results of yesterday's blood test, which I will receive today (probably a few minutes before I go to pick up my friend's son ... I get him again today at 2:30). If all goes well, then I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday. Nurse B tells me that at that point they will do an ultrasound and look for a heartbeat. I'm assuming I can expect a vaginal ultrasound this early on? Then two weeks later I'll have an Official prenatal appointment.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I fully expect to get bad news today when the nurse calls. I expect my Beta to have dropped, and well, that to be it. Despite all the optimism from the doctor and nurse and the generally positive feedback I've received about progesterone supplements, I still expect to hear the worst. Because with me the bad news has always outweighed the good when it comes to babies. I feel the need to protect my heart. I guess if you expect the worst then when something good happens it's a nice surprise.

What a crappy outlook on life. Blerg.

(p.s. Thank you all for your encouraging emails and comments. I know I haven't responded to you all, but I want you to know how much your words and thoughts and prayers mean to me. I am clinging to those things right now!)

Comments

[ANNIE]

I don't know why they don't train some of these people better- or maybe they DO and the people are just so oblivious to common decency that it doesn't take. I had an ultrasound tech when I was pregnant with Christopher who was HORRIBLE. Even though everything was great he had me super freaked out about every little thing. He was just awful.

Manda, I know how anxious I've been at the beginning of my pregnancies, and that's WITHOUT any history of loss. I can't imagine the challenge you're facing. You're doing great. xo

[Elizabeth]

When my in laws were here and I was eight weeks pregnant, I was so TERRIBLE and I could not stop myself - and I didn't have half the worries and stress that you do not right now. It's not your fault. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

Hang in there, I am praying for lots of good news.

[A'Dell]

Progesterone made me ridiculously tired also. Like, three naps a day tired. It was ridiculous.

I'm sorry your week was so hectic - it's a lot on your plate. And I agree with Morgan, sometimes kids ARE obnoxious no matter their disabilities and sometimes we are just out of patience for the afternoon. It's tough to balance and get the TLC that you so desperately need when you're taking care of everyone else and can't exactly make a request for support.

You will be SHOCKED at the actual baby you can see on Thursday (and I'm sure she's in there, happy as can be.)

[Shelby]

I totally know what you mean about protecting your heart and not daring to hope. It's such a hard place to be in. I'm praying for good news for you today!

[Morgan S.]

Well, I just happened to check here right after you posted! Oh Manda, you have a lot on your shoulders right now. Please do not beat yourself up about your friend's daughter, your "bossing" comments and her email. You had likely had one of THE MOST stressful days of your life last Friday AND your mom was about to arrive AND you had a BIG HONKING secret to keep from her! Also, let's just be frank, sometimes other people's children CAN be obnoxious and bossy, no matter how much you understand the child's particular issues and care about them!!! I guarantee in a few weeks when you share your news with your friend, she will be a little tiny bit mortified at sending you that long email and not being more perceptive and noticing your fragile mental state that day.

What is the deal with Mr. Chatty Phlebotimist?! He needs some sensitivity training.

Lady, you need to take some serious R & R time this weekend! Please gets lots of sleep and no guests or visitors. Manda needs some recharging time.