Reproductively speaking...

Wait and see

I couldn't stand it. My boobs have been a little sore the last few days and I've been very tired and had a lot of acid reflux at night. I'm not expecting my period until Sunday. But the stupid commercials for the tests say test FIVE days sooner! Test SIX days sooner! Even though the box assured me that only 53% of women who are pregnant get a positive result four days before their expected period, I peed on it anyway. Right before bed last night.

And well what do you know? A faint second line.

Dangit.

I had my husband come in the bathroom and examine the test. I got the generic ones AGAIN (why don't I learn?) and it does crazy things to your mind because they are unfamiliar. He definitely saw the faint second line too ... so I know I'm not going crazy. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat there with a pregnancy test right up to my eyeball, turning it in the light to see if there's anything in that damned second window. Usually there's nothing. But not last night.

I got into bed. I told myself not to get excited. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing. We prayed together. My husband fell asleep. I chastised myself to not get excited. To wait until I at least miss my period to even begin to hope. And then, once I miss my period, to give it a week to see if it holds on. I laid awake much of the night. I figeted around with my iPhone. I knocked my Costco bottle of Tums off the nightstand accidentally and they spilled everywhere. I went back to the bathroom to look at the test again to see if it was really real. I checked on our daughter. All fast asleep, even the dogs. Just me alone in the night with my thoughts. A microscopic life inside me.

I cannot help but beg God, beg this little baby, to hold on. Hold on.

I took another test this morning first thing and there's an even darker faint line. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just wait? Why can't I just occupy myself with life and put the thoughts away until I realize that my period never came? And then test? When encouraging me to be patient - and I am historically very impatient - my mother always told me that "a watched pot never boils." That's how I feel right now. That if I watch too closely, if I even for one moment believe that this might develop into a baby due next October, it will all be dashed before my very eyes. Again. A few people said to me with the last miscarriage that if I had never taken a pregnancy test I never would have even known I was pregnant. That I would have just "started my period" four days late and life would have just gone on with me none the wiser.

But I am not that way. I know when something is going on. I cannot be fooled by my stupid body. And so here we are. This could still go either way. Wait and see. We'll wait and see.

Robbed of my elastic pants

So my maternity clothes disappeared. They're gone.

My sister-in-law and I alternated being pregnant. Me first (miscarriage). Then her ... my nephew was born. Then I got pregnant ... our daughter was born five months later. Now she's pregnant again, due in March.

She gave me her maternity clothes when she was done with them mid-way through my pregnancy. Frankly I couldn't wear most of it. She lives in Idaho and they were mostly winter clothes. I spent the final trimester of my pregnancy in Southern California summer. I had to buy summer-y stuff to wear and I basically stored all her stuff for her in a king-sized comforter bag in my closet.

When she got pregnant again I handed all the maternity clothes back over, mine and hers. I like to share and I hoped that she'd be able to wear some of my stuff even though she was going through her second pregnancy during the same exact seasons (her babies will be exactly two years apart ... she and her husband have a summer anniversary, ha ha). She went through it all, took what she wanted, made a "donation bag" of all the stuff that was stretched out or worn out (we'd also inherited some hand-me-overs from mom friends who were done having babies), and then she put my stuff that she didn't take in another bag. She left both bags in the trunk of my in-laws car and went back home to Idaho.

Well? My in-laws accidentally donated my maternity clothes along with the worn-out stuff. My sister-in-law wanted a particular dress I had, one I wore to my baby showers. First of all, I couldn't believe that she hadn't taken it with her ... it was a nice dress! She was asking to borrow it for a party and I told her that I'd never gotten the bag with my stuff back from her parents, so she'd have to ask my MIL for it. My MIL swore up and down that she gave the bag back to my husband, but nope (nice try though, Grandma). I searched the garage anyway, no maternity clothes. We then realized what must have happened.

So? Right now? I have nothing. Not a single item of maternity wear. When it happened my SIL and my MIL were both very upset and I told them it was all right. They promised to replace it all. But inside I was really hurt. I have let it go ... what can be done? It's gone. It was an accident. They feel horrible about it.

I have thought about it a lot since then and I have wondered if it really even matters. I have wondered if it is some sort of cosmic way for me to let go of the idea of being pregnant. If someone out there is telling me that I have had my chance. That I've worn my maternity clothes and it's time to let them go.

I cannot help but be sad even though it seems so trivial. There is a sentimental value there, and I can't ignore the passing thought that those clothes represent something that I only got to experience once. In the back of my mind I hope to experience the inconvenience and expense of having to buy all new maternity clothes again. I wonder if that will happen.