I couldn't stand it. My boobs have been a little sore the last few days and I've been very tired and had a lot of acid reflux at night. I'm not expecting my period until Sunday. But the stupid commercials for the tests say test FIVE days sooner! Test SIX days sooner! Even though the box assured me that only 53% of women who are pregnant get a positive result four days before their expected period, I peed on it anyway. Right before bed last night.
And well what do you know? A faint second line.
Dangit.
I had my husband come in the bathroom and examine the test. I got the generic ones AGAIN (why don't I learn?) and it does crazy things to your mind because they are unfamiliar. He definitely saw the faint second line too ... so I know I'm not going crazy. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat there with a pregnancy test right up to my eyeball, turning it in the light to see if there's anything in that damned second window. Usually there's nothing. But not last night.
I got into bed. I told myself not to get excited. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing. We prayed together. My husband fell asleep. I chastised myself to not get excited. To wait until I at least miss my period to even begin to hope. And then, once I miss my period, to give it a week to see if it holds on. I laid awake much of the night. I figeted around with my iPhone. I knocked my Costco bottle of Tums off the nightstand accidentally and they spilled everywhere. I went back to the bathroom to look at the test again to see if it was really real. I checked on our daughter. All fast asleep, even the dogs. Just me alone in the night with my thoughts. A microscopic life inside me.
I cannot help but beg God, beg this little baby, to hold on. Hold on.
I took another test this morning first thing and there's an even darker faint line. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just wait? Why can't I just occupy myself with life and put the thoughts away until I realize that my period never came? And then test? When encouraging me to be patient - and I am historically very impatient - my mother always told me that "a watched pot never boils." That's how I feel right now. That if I watch too closely, if I even for one moment believe that this might develop into a baby due next October, it will all be dashed before my very eyes. Again. A few people said to me with the last miscarriage that if I had never taken a pregnancy test I never would have even known I was pregnant. That I would have just "started my period" four days late and life would have just gone on with me none the wiser.
But I am not that way. I know when something is going on. I cannot be fooled by my stupid body. And so here we are. This could still go either way. Wait and see. We'll wait and see.
