Pregnancy as stasis and other thoughts

After fretting much of the day over it yesterday I finally decided to just call the doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do. It is impossibly early to make an appointment, but I needed them to tell me so. My doctor has a wonderful nurse who took a good 15 minutes to talk to me. She pulled my file and recommended that I go in for a blood test this week so that they could get a "baseline" progesterone/beta level on me.  Once that's done I'll have to go in again next week to see where the numbers are. She said if my beta is high but the progesterone is low there is a possibility that they'll start me on progesterone (vaginally, great) and that if so, I would be on that until 12 weeks. She reassured me that they do bloodwork on a majority of their patients and that it's very common to go on progesterone ... she estimated that about 20% of my doctor's patients are on it. And then she did the whole "then again, everything could be normal" statement (fingers crossed)! She told me that they definitely wanted my blood levels - despite how early on I am right now - because of my history.

I went in this morning to get my first blood draw. The phlebotomist was super chatty. He told me all about his wild nephews who drive him nuts and asked me straight out if this was my first baby, asked me if I was excited to be pregnant, etc. (I didn't indicate that I was pregnant, he obviously knew what the tests are for). I didn't share much information with him. I started to say that I'd had miscarriages, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to define myself that way in that moment. I wanted to define myself as someone who is hopeful, someone who defines "pregnant" as a stasis, a state that will not change until a baby is the result.

Now as I'm typing this out I am registering that the phlebotomist was kinda rude and overstepping his boundaries asking me all those questions, making leaps from the doctor's order sheet. What if I had been miscarrying again? What if this was the test to determine that my baby had moved on? I guess this doesn't occur to everyone, especially a single man with no children and no tact.

Anyway.

After the appointment I found myself in the drive-thru window at a burger joint, totally prepared to stuff a huge, greasy burger down my gob. But by the time I got to the window I chickened out and ordered a salad (and some mozzarella sticks too, not totally a chicken I guess). As I was sitting there I reminded myself all the things I said about "next time" ... about how I wasn't going to totally let go and eat whatever crap happens to be in my way, how I was going to take better care of myself during the next pregnancy. I don't eat fast food EVER anymore, and yet the second I get a faint second line on a pregnancy test HERE I AM. And so, salad it was. I'm glad I didn't get the burger (and the mozzarella sticks satisfied my need for junk food).

***

Before I went in this morning to get my blood drawn I decided to take my last pregnancy test as a way to boost my confidence, remind me that yep, I'm still pregnant and I'm not a total nutjob for going for a blood test already. I peed on the test and nothing happened ... no lines at all anywhere. Great! Defective test! So of course, as soon as I was done getting my drive-thru salad I drove straight to the pharmacy and bought more pee sticks. I just took one ... still pregnant. I guess I could have waited for the nurse to call me tomorrow to tell me but I just needed to see that line again. A little darker today. I feel like an addict going out of my way to buy these tests and sneaking them into the house and taking them so my husband doesn't know I'm buying more. He likes to tease me about all the pregnancy tests I take. I don't know why I'm so obsessed, why I let my mind play these tricks on me. I guess that's the roller coaster I'll be riding until I'm in the clear. Nine months from now.

oy.

Comments

[Katie]

Congratulations! Can't wait to hear the actual numbers!

[Rachel]

I'm glad they did the beta. I'm praying they go up like they should.

[Morgan S.]

Yeah....Mr. Phlebotomist should not have said or asked those things. Arrrgh.

Crossing fingers for good news.

In unrelated news - HOW RANDOM is it that you and Elizabeth won Swistle's baby girl clothes contest?!

[A'Dell]

I was on progesterone for 12 weeks and, I dunno, I'm sort of convinced that it really helped. I was on it before my beta and it was the only cycle that included progesterone and the conspiracy theorist in me says, IT WAS THE PROGESTERONE DUMMY.

Interesting that you're going back for another beta in a week. Betas are supposed to double every day until a certain point (I forget when - a long time from now) and then it begins to decrease.

I'd think they'd want you back in the next day so that if you're not showing doubling numbers early they can put you on the progesterone STAT. That's what my RE did - initial beta one day, second the next to get an early assessment on how the pregnancy is progressing. Getting that figure a week later, especially when little baby H is changing by the MINUTE at this point seems like a long time. If it were me I'd want another beta on day 2. But, I'm pushy like that.

Thus concludes today's iteration of Assvice From A'Dell.

I'm still crazy excited for you. :)

[Lizzie]

Guess what? I LOVE YOU! xox