Pre-game

I have another doctor's appointment this afternoon. I honestly have no idea how it will go. I'm in that weird place where if I end up still being pregnant, it will be a happy surprise.

It's no wonder that my husband wondered out loud this week if I'm suffering from depression. Maybe I am.

Most of the time I just feel like I'm a symptomatic nightmare. Here I am on progesterone replacement. When I was preg with our daughter I felt nauseated at 6 pm every night and struggled with it through most of the night weeks 6ish-14. I knew that I had to fit in most of my eating during the day, and for the most part I limped through it ok. I was still coaching my track team, I was still taking business trips. Sure I tossed my cookies a few times and I felt gross A LOT. That is the nature of the pregnancy beast.

This time? With the hormones? I feel nauseated MOST of the day. It is definitely the worst at night, but I feel pretty nasty most of the time. At the end of last week I caught a cold from my husband and that just put me on my back all weekend. I slept most of the day on Saturday and my husband was "on duty" with our daughter all day Sat and Sun. I am still struggling with a runny nose. People are starting to wonder what is wrong with me. It seems like my husband has to cover for me all the time saying "she's not feeling well today." Which brings me to the next symptom ... I am tired. I've been going to bed at 9:30/10 most nights. This week we stayed up until 11/12 three nights in a row (ending last night) and I feel like I want to die right now ... I can barely piece together words to make sentences. I never open my computer. I leave the house in total disarray and don't clean. The other day we had some of my kids over to the house and you know it's bad when a teenage boy walks in your house and recoils and says "it stinks in here." Damn. After that I went to Target and bought a new mop and bucket and went to town on my house for two hours I was so embarrassed. My daughter is watching loads of videos. It's getting bad. We haven't been to the park all week because my doc told me to not leave the house alone with her ... I feel so bad for her! All we do is watch freaking Elmo!

The other day I was bad and went to Target with my girl despite the doctor's orders. My husband works, for crying out loud, and I was going stir crazy. We needed groceries anyway. I was pushing the cart down the aisle feeling lousy and sorry for myself and I wondered to myself what in the hell I am doing. What am I thinking? Here I am trying to get pregnant again which will time the new baby right after our toddler turns 2. Have I really forgotten how hard it is to bring a new baby home? What if I have another c-section? That will REALLY make life hard. Here I am wasting all this 18-month-old FUN feeling like ass all the time because I suck at being pregnant and have to take these stupid hormones. My goodness it was quite a pity party.

It's just hard not knowing week to week what will happen. My mother-in-law is already getting excited and wanting to talk details about the birth and if we'll find out the gender, etc. and I just can't go there yet. I told her yesterday not to get ahead of herself. I felt bad pissing on her fun like that but if I can't even have that fun, she can't ... right?

I'm a jerk. I'll post about the doctor's appointment later today. Thanks for listening to my pitiful ranting.

Comments

[Morgan S.]

Lizzie is right - there is no perfect time to have that second baby. Hopefully things will be looking awesome and you will be able to drag your yourself out to the park so Syd can run around in the fresh air. That should do you both a world of good.

XOXO, Morgan

[Lizzie]

a) Far worse has happened to kids than having to watch Elmo for a couple weeks, you can bet on that! That shouldn't be any source of guilt for you. b) There is no right time to have a kid, is there! We're thinking about that too! - if it's not now, you could be exhausted trying to discipline a 2-3 year old troublemaker! c) I love you and I'm interested to hear about the doctor's appointment.