Reproductively speaking...: Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Well, the day I've been waiting for is finally here. Tomorrow is our big, detailed ultrasound. The time after which we have decided to begin talking openly about this pregnancy. If all goes well, we'll soon announce to everyone, including the internet, that we're expecting a baby.

It's crazy. In some ways I feel like the time has flown, but in others I feel like I've already been pregnant for an eternity. I feel myself loosening my grip on the anxiety that has plagued my mind for the last - it seems unbelievable to say this - almost 14 weeks. As of today I'm 13w4d pregnant. Tomorrow feels huge. Maybe because this is when during my first pregnancy (at 9 weeks) we found out that our baby had died. Maybe it's because it feels so official from the way our doctor and nurse talk about it. I don't know. There is still that small little whisper in the back of my mind saying that maybe tomorrow we'll get bad news. That even though I'm showing and experiencing pregnancy symptoms to the max that maybe that stuff is just mental or my body has yet to catch up to what's already happened. That the little voice will get to say "I told ya so" when I wondered if I should wait longer to get maternity clothes (even though I needed them) or I should hold back and not tell so many people yet. This is despite all the good things that have happened. This is in light of all the good reports we've had so far. It's madness.

I would also like to add that I had blood drawn last Friday and haven't heard from the nurse since! Which is a good sign! If there's a prob with my tests she always calls me ASAP, usually Tuesday at the least. I have to let that ease my mind a little bit. Also cookies are helping. My poison of choice are the crispy kakor chokladflarn thingies from IKEA. So good.

And in case you're wondering about my cookie reference, yes, I'm eating. Like a normal pregnant person. The last few days have been so wonderful! I ate an ENTIRE foot long veggie sub from Subway yesterday and experienced the feeling of "fullness" for the first time in literally months! It was worth the discomfort ... I ordered my sub with extra cheese, avocado and extra mayo. Heaven. I'm still tired and have a really hard time getting up in the morning if I stay up past 10 pm, but my symptoms have all but vanished. When I compare this phase of pregnancy to how I felt with Syd I think I feel so much better this time around! I haven't gained any weight yet ... holding at 168, which technically is about 15 pounds too heavy but OH WELL, but compared to where I was the last time around (I am pretty sure I was already close to 180) I'm doing much better. I need to be a good girl while I'm feeling good. Luckily I'm craving relatively healthy things. I know every pregnancy is different but I am starting to wonder if this is what it feels like to carry a boy. I have wondered about my progesterone level in that regard all along (such as, maybe my hormones are lower bc it's a male? I threw up plenty on my own without progesterone when I was pregnant with my girl). It'll be interesting to see if my theory is correct! But I'll have to wait another month for the gender ID. Even though I have already fantasized that somehow we could find out tomorrow. Impatient!

Our appointment is at 11:30 tomorrow. It's with another doctor, supposedly a specialist in ultrasounds and first trimester screenings (our doctor refers all his patients over there for this routine test). Apparently this guy is so popular and overbooked (he only works in this particular office 2 days a week) that we can expect to wait a 1-3 hours to be seen. Luckily Grandma and Grandpa are coming to sit with our girl so we won't have to have a babysitter on the clock and so we can be together, come what may.

I am so ready to be past this hurdle, to move on to being just pregnant. Pregnant in general. Pregnant and open for discussion. Pray for us, as you are always so kind to do.

much love,

Manda